Thursday, December 22, 2016

Dilemma

Evaluating an action to be taken, I consider alternatives and try to go other ways.

When the path is blocked, I attempt to go around, beside, between and look for ways providing smoother transition with less challenges for myself and others.

Would that were always possible to get needed results.

In a “perfect world” where the situation, the people, the times were all in sync, perhaps results would be different.

Continuing to allow the "status quo" put in place by my oldest son disrupts, displaces and decomposes life for me. Why should I continue to accept actions and decisions that are abusive and unnecessary. 

Yes, abusive.  Harm intentionally done to someone without care or consideration of the action or effect. That's what I've undergone since discovering the deceit of my oldest son.

He does not stand alone. His accomplice stands silent and will most probably disclaim involvement although she participates actively through her refusal to speak up, speak out and change the situation.

I sound negative and some would say "vindictive". No. They can and do live whatever life they choose that does not directly affect my life and my daughter's. I cannot control one decision they've made; I have the ability to remove the other.

I've tried various approaches and considerations. Each way those directly involved have closed the gate, locked it and put up barriers to another approach.

If truth and right were foremost, there would be no problem. Instead we deal with egos, feelings and self before others.

When others are involved, when they stand to lose at whatever cost in time, money or possible damage or injury, I have always taken a stand, fought the battle for however long. I’ve sustained injuries, losses and setbacks and I’ve also achieved victories.

Growing older we still react, we still respond but we have that “history” behind us with many “what if’s” based on knowledge of what “has been”. I've not wanted to take action but feel time is of the essence. My life has been disrupted since my discovery and that was just a couple of months after my husband's death. January this coming year marks the sixth year of his passing. 

Am I a warrior? Do I seek causes? No. Not intentionally. Not knowingly. They come into my life. I don't always see them for the amount of time they will take, the level of involvement and the life experiences and challenges that will follow. Do any of us truly see the future in the present? 

Called to action. Shown the way. Given the choice. 

Now I am faced with another decision. With possibilities and with probabilities.

When does a parent stop taking a grown child’s manipulation and bullying?

When does a parent say, “Enough! You are grown. You live your life. Let me live mine.”

Always put him in the front of the line in life. Tried to ensure no stone was left unturned. Afraid, perhaps, not clearing the way, not providing the opportunities he would become like my father, a man lost inside of himself with only a bottle for comfort.

I’ve lived the life. I’ve seen the challenges. I cannot say I truly know or understand my father. My son once asked me to tell him about my father because he’d heard I’d said when he was born how much he looked like my father -- blue eyes and blond hair from two parents with dark hair, one with green eyes and one with hazel.

Genetics. You’re going to look like someone, usually, you’re related to. But because the paths he’d chosen to walk down as a teen and a young man were similar to my father, perhaps he is concerned, maybe even fears, how he will be, who he will be as the years pass.

Yes, we have tendencies. We also have choices. We make decisions. We are in many ways the artists of our lives creating the finished work which time and circumstance put before us.

My son does not go outside of himself to consider how I felt, being the first in the line from my father, make that the third as he was married before my Mom and somewhere there are two others who called him “Dad”.

He does not consider it’s not about being male or female, it’s about being human.

When there is a parent with questionable behaviors it doesn’t matter if they’re male or female or you are male or female, growing up you wonder if you, too, will live your life or succumb to whatever they did to become who they were. 

My son, like so many, is too “self focused”. He needs to reorient. I tried. We tried.

While given many privileges, some would say far more than we should have, he was also given direction, a foundation and life tools. 

As with many, he choose what to use, what to pick up and what to set aside.

I will continue to consider what actions to take, when and how. 
It has been a long Winter of life.
I have moved forward in many ways this year.

When my husband passed, I wrote about feeling like my life was in “jello” – shaken,disturbed and feeling the effects like a constant earthquake accompanied by tsunami’s, hurricanes and tornadoes. 

I knew the sun was there somewhere but the darkness hung like drapes in rooms where they were heavy, musty and always shut to block the sun, the view, the world beyond.

Now, I am gaining the strength to complete a task I started with my oldest son. 
It is not the path I want to walk. 

It will most probably be a path I’m forced to walk because he is not a person of reason, a person who wants to communicate, someone who has the ability to set self aside and consider others first.

He is not alone. He walks this path of life with the support of another. It is his choice; it is their choice. Both believe they are moving through life together when they are actually in two separate orbits overlapping.

I cannot chose to support actions that negatively affect the lives of others. It is not just me who is directly affected by his words and actions, he also negatively affects his sister's life.

The decisions he has made will continue to be abusive to me and to others until it is changed. 

I know I am the agent of change and yet I know the journey will be one I would prefer not to take and once I begin, this time I must continue until the resolution removes the abuse and returns my rights directly to me, not through him.

Hard to write this entry at a time when we are supposed to be “full of joy” and words of “peace on earth” come to mind.

A year is ending. Another beginning. An awakening of self. A rerouting in my life's journey.



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