Relatively Speaking: Hold Your Ground

What are your beliefs about personal choice?

Where do you draw the line on supporting actions taken by close friends or relatives that do harm?

What are you willing to have "taken away" if you choose to speak up, speak out and disagree?

For me, it's been several losses:

My oldest son took away all contact with his "family" including my grandchildren.

A Niece advised my second son when he was called and told of the death of my Downs Syndrome brother-in-law, his Uncle, with whom I'd had a positive relationship for years, "come alone or not at all".

Another Niece, related to the one above who was her Aunt, who we took in after the death of her father and whose mother had preceded him, both in tragic accidents, won't speak to me even though I was responsible for ensuring the safety and well being of her and of her mother's few mementos.

When you see and know the Family Secrets, the behind the scenes actions taken, and you object or you cross the line of not "doing what's expected" you face ostracization. 

Marrying into my husband's family was not without challenges from the beginning. 

My mother was divorced, she was not "their" religion (but I was). 

We couldn't afford to host both their 200+ guests for a wedding plus our own family let alone any friends.

The ring I choose for my husband was "too much" although he loved it and it came to be highly symbolic with its three diamonds across and our three children. I teased him in later years I knew there would be three in our future and that's what appealed to me about the ring.

Truth was we were given a very special price for my ring and his ring; the jeweler's mother knew my mother (Mom was a hairdresser and did her hair for years) and he'd had a robbery recently and all but those two rings had been stolen.

Some would say that was a "message"; we saw it that way, at least and we were, after all, the ones giving and receiving these symbols of our commitment to one another.

I loved my husband's mother and I worked hard to please her. She really wasn't as difficult as you might imagine and we spent many good times together. 

She simply belonged to a school of thought that saw my "background" as questionable and "not as acceptable" as she would have preferred so she disagreed and made it known in many ways.

Ironically, in the later years, it was I who constantly said to my husband, "We need to ask your parents to dinner more often" and I was the one who did the "birthday dinners" and "Mother's Day" dinners -- where the extended family came, enjoyed and left. 

There is/was a daughter; she didn't "want" to do it. Seems she and her Mom had several disagreements along the way.

I'm not sure I can write about the challenges listed above in detail. 

They know the truth. Each person involved. 

They prefer the reality they've created as it buries their actions, words and deeds that were harmful to me and to others, especially family members.

And, we are multiple generations now. Some are very young. What about the effect on these innocents?

It's simply that I am growing older along with them but my days are far less than they have. 

I don't appreciate having my name blackened and I don't appreciate false, misleading and deceptive information given to others who weren't directly involved in each event.

If I don't share the truth, stand up for what's right, who will be there to do it when I'm gone?

Why do people seem to need to support their bad judgement and poor actions rather than understand what they say and do affects others?

Jealousy.

A need to find someone to blame.

An inability to look at truth directly; the need to substantiate inaccurate beliefs to sustain and save face.

It takes great character to turn around a practice of twisting truth for personal gain.

Perhaps it will be best to write about one or more of these challenges. 

If someone learns to step outside of them "selves" and recognize the "other" in a human encounter perhaps there will be more gain than has previously been lost.