Friday, April 14, 2017

Touchstones: Renewing Acquaintences, Renewing Life

Ever watch a top spin? Some stay in one place, some move a little and some appear to be out of control. That's the life of a caregiver. That's the life of someone watching a loved one in the process of end of life.

Two people came into my life once upon a time. In different places. For different reasons. We arranged to meet again. In a familiar place. To catch up and to renew our friendship and one another.

How long did it take you, one asked, to move past the "jello like" existence I told her about. Then she surprised me by being so accurate when she asked "Three to five years?". How did she know? 

She knew it wasn't "getting over", it was continuing to move forward. It was facing new challenges and building ways to get under, over, beside and between those that kept me held steadfast within the boundaries others had made for me.

I didn't talk about how I have a few remaining personal challenges. 

In passing to one I spoke about my oldest son and his belief I had emotionally and financially abused his grandmother as Julia claimed to the DHSS and put my life and his sister's life into an out of control spin -- like that top I wrote about earlier.

Julia set so many out of control actions in place and so many devastating results. 

I didn't share with my renewed friend what decisions I have to make and how they have torn me apart for so long. I haven't had the courage to speak up and speak out. Why? Why not?

The first reaquaintence didn't caregive, or at least didn't mention she has. I have the feeling something she didn't mention obviously compared to what I had experienced to be so accurate in her calculation.

Three to five years. Sounds like a short time -- in the span of life -- when you say it.

Three to five years day to day, hour to hour and minute to minute when you're constantly facing a road of life that falls out from underneath you and drops you into a chasm, a crevice or what seems like a bottomless pit, seems unending and unchanging.

It ends. It changes. It's not the same. Ever again.

Lives are in constant motion. So is death. We never know which way we're headed or what each will bring in its wake.

Yes, I can recall that time. Strange how some parts seem to have slipped into a past tense that is harder to recall, more difficult to completely explain. 

Time changes things; time changes people. Time renews. Time replaces.

I reconnected not just with two people but even more with my "self". 

This journey I've been on and continue to believe is just a few steps farther, a little longer than expected and perhaps one that will be ongoing for the rest of my life is easier when shared.

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