Death of a Loved One: A Lifelong Scar?

So many have come and gone since the deaths of my husband and then my mother as I look at a calendar for August 2021. Husband in January 2010 and mother in January 2014. 

So many changes, differences, accomplishments and achievements....positive and negative....in these ways it's life as it was becoming life as it's lived.

Looking at the dates and realizing that's four years in between even I see a length of time when it should have been a "pause" and movement towards a more "regular" time. It wasn't.

My recounting in this Blog has captured a thimblefull of the waterfall of life experiences and many challenges that seemed to be insurmountable yet we faced each one, my daughter and I, rowing the boat through one wave after another that started or grew to a tsunami size before we had a chance to prepare -- or thought we didn't.

Recently early one morning, daughter left for a day on a local river. Ever the mother, no matter what their age, I find words to express a little concern and a lot of love -- typical Mom stuff -- as she makes time to enjoy this special opportunity to be with friends. 

Swimming pools were not everywhere when I was young and so I never really learned to swim. I tried and made sure our three had swimming lessons and shared time with friends "on the water" and we took trips to beaches.

I "learned" to be around and sometimes in, but never really "took to" swimming pools, lakes and even the ocean. They can be beautiful, they can be treacherous, I love to look, admire and put a foot into but an avid swimmer I have no interest in being.

Events we experienced along the way, during and afterward; many still fresh and even influential in our life choices while others seem so far away, so distant and almost sureal.

How long has it been?  Really......? Or, That  Long ?!?  Family funeral on my husband's side and I'm surprised but then realize everyone's life takes different paths and only occassionally do we meet at a crossroads, like a family funeral.

Perspective. Compare it to if you're playing the music or listening -- most people don't pay attention to the individual notes, the notations written by the composer or even the exact nuances provided in the interpretation provided by the conductor. 

Those who participate in the action of the moment while it's happening and those who are most connected to the event are those who usually are the most influenced and affected.

Why is the death of a loved one like a lifelong scar?  It hurts when it happens, in the healing process there's concern for how long it will take, if it will ever heal completely and if it will someday be "unnoticeable".

The scar is a reminder. We choose how to see it and it will vary in appearance many ways many times as we move forward continuing our journey.  Some will change their lives completely and the scar will minimize or even seem to disappear. Others will carry it and it will grow more prominent as the days, months and years pass.  

Finding the balance in life with this time and what follows is the key to continuing moving towards carrying, shifting the load and moving positively onward.

Biting The Bullet & Doing What's Best.....but for who?

It's best, you told me. It's too much for "you" to take care of and then there may be steps and concerns about "falling". 

Really?  My Mom lived into her 100th year and would have lived longer had she not been coerced into Long Term Care by a "church lady" with questionable intentions about the money Mom had managed to "squirrel away" for her later years -- this was at age 95. Her mother lived into her 91st year.

Mom travelled until she was in her 90's; at 87 she even took a second trip to Egypt so her grand-daughter, your sister, would have the memories of an area of the world they both loved.

Hey, maybe I can't turn somersaults or do a cartwheel any more but, like my mother before me, I'm highly active and strong enough to work rings around you and many others.

Nursing homes advance the aging process; they don't slow it down.

They don't have enough assistance and cut corners reducing the quantity and quality of services.

Your time is quickly coming my son. This is a landmark birthday year for you. 

None of us is guaranteed good health however you are the product of two very different "strengths" and "weaknesses" and may find these years that are coming are far more challenging for you...  so ..... prepare yourself and "get thee to an LTC" by befriending someone you visit regularly and can see the difference between "visiting" and "living" in one.

My late in life daughter and I, like my mother and I, value one another and care about how and where the other lives and the life each lives. Something foreign to those among us, like you and your wife, who focus on "what's in it for me" and "only I know best".

We women of our family are a determined bunch and apparently given good genetics so just focus on your life which you haven't done such a great job living until now and can still create changes that would be beneficial to all.

It's too expensive and you don't have enough to support yourself let alone the house. At least rent instead of buy.

What foresight we had not to take your advice.

With COVID we could have been "locked down" even more without the amazing relief of walking out into "OUR OWN" backyard, work in "our  garden", yes, even weed and cut grass -- all therapies during harsh times.

Hey, there may come a day .... but it's far from here now and it was  far from "here" ten years ago when your father passed.

Besides, I've made it through ten years without any help from you but you've provided loads of criticism and taken actions meant to provide emotional harm.

When you screamed (literally and actually) about Grandma not getting "care", you had two rental houses but no room for her yet you kept stating she was not getting the care she needed.

And during COVID, you've not connected with us, never shown any interest in our well being -- not surprising as you didn't after my husband, your father, passed and we had real financial challenges -- which you attributed to decisions "I MADE" throughout our life.

Another time I'll write an entry about your choices and about how you constantly took and took and then told us you paid for your complete College education and so much more.

Interesting how those who live far away and do not have the ability to "be" with someone on a day to day basis can decide THEY have all the answers.

Besides, selling the house ensures there's money to provide for your care or "buy into" continuum care -- where you enter capable and advance to dependency.

No thank you. Too early. Many possibilities and opportunities are still ahead and being "shelved" isn't my idea of life or living.

A house is too much for you to care for.

Watch Me!  I'll find a way. I'll make it happen.Until I'm physically incapable and can't find a way to get it done for me, I will not succumb to what YOU think is best . . . best for you?

You live far away. Oh, I see, you're "concerned".

When your father was so sick and spent so much time in Critical Intensive Care -- what did you do?

You seldom called and when you did you were accusatory and always felt like "you" knew best, what should be done.

Your father and I had talked. We were married for over forty years and dated for four before that. AS IF ... neither of us had the capability or capacity to make decisions .... or so you made it seem.

Not all of you grown "children" -- just one in particular -- you --who because he was "first born" felt "entitled". 

Doesn't happen that way especially when previous choices and behaviours have shown a lack of responsibility and concern outside of "self".

I've walked down this road but at an age I consider far too young to be "put" into a "facility" even if it sparkles and glows with "continuum of care" and since financially it's been a great challenge just to keep standing in place much less move ahead, I've believed and my daughter has agreed keeping the house was and is the best decision for our health and well being.

We, after all, live the day to day, "the boys" and others have "their own lives" and happen to live quite a distance away. The younger calls occasionally -- although I've never expected more than that -- the older one, well, he decided to "cut off, cut away" and did so by removing my ability to talk with or see his children. Long story. Perhaps it's soon time to share. We'll see.

Let's review the WHY an "older person" should think twice about following their grown and "absent" children's "guidance".

What could their thoughts be, these grown with families of their own -- perhaps you'll see a similarity in your situation if you're "one of the aging population" -- the Baby Boomers.

"They" don't want to worry or so you're told. 

"They" may not live close enough to visit and "they" don't want the "chore" of hiring and supervising someone or an agency to come in, check on you, provide services, which they believe will escalate and then where would "THEY" be?

What other choice could there possibly be?  

First and foremost, to care about "family" and recognize as they move along life's path it's not when it's needed but before the need arises there is a conversation about and consideration of where and when, who and how and what can  be done.

Maybe they're right. Maybe they're not. 

Ever check stats on how long people "live" after entering various levels of "provided care" esp Long Term Care?

According to the latest stats -- it's less than 3 years.

Yes, there are those who "move in" especially to LTC at advanced medical need status but there are many who move in because Society, Family, Neighbors, Community Services -- simply are not there for them.

From 2010 to my Mom's death in 2014 and afterwards visiting Carol, a woman we friended in Mom's facility and continued to visit after Mom passed, I saw behind the curtain, heard what went on behind closed doors and watched the NEGLECT and ABUSE. 

Yes, it does exist. Active and Passive and even State supported because they turn and look away believing their "Federal Programs" will be more demanding and more expensive for their BUSINESS if they actually do something proactive.

LTC's, almost all that have Medicaid beds, work to get their residents as immobile as possible so as to (1) not be able to move into areas where there could be challenges of "safety" or "monitoring activity" (2) NEED more equipment to use  -- which "coincidentally" is provided either by an "indirectly owned and operated" related company or from equipment they "hold" to provide and then charge the family and or insurance and or Medicare/Medicaid for using.

Oh, there are the exceptions but I've witnessed the good, the bad and the ugly and as the old saying goes, "When the cat's away, the mice will play" meaning even if you're vigilant, you can get into situations where what you're told isn't what's factual and actual especially as to the services, medications etc., and if you do not have a Power of Attorney you have no access to act or even speak up to The Ombudsman and even then, the farther away you are...the safer "their system" is and the more they can "hide" the reality.

That's mostly true of Long Term Care Facilities but it can happen in Assisted and even facilities where you enter fully capable into a "continuum of care" living.

Think about other forms of "communal living".....    orphanages, camps, rehab facilities, communes. Very little difference, actually, among them. Some are great, some are good but many are substandard and put on a great face but behind the scenes it's a horror story.

Once again, you're being "sold" on what's "best" FOR YOU. Life has been a continuum of being "told" what's the most wanted, the best, who uses it and how great their opinion has to be.

Baby Boomers were raised in the time of the TV -- the beginning of "influencers" in life.

Their parents didn't have "connectivity" and many lived in rural areas where even phone service was limited and some had "party lines" (that's not fun and games it means more than one household sharing a "line" and the ability of the others to "listen in" simply by picking up their receiver). This was in rural areas and in cities, also, however not for as long a time.

Like so many other life possibilities, the "new" concept of Continuum of Care, meaning entering a "facility" through Independent Living or Assisted Living instead of waiting until you need Long Term Care sounds attractive on the surface is "popping up" everywhere. 

Drive down any highway and drive into any small community and you'll see acres of buildings, some are spread out when the cost of land is low and in more urban/suburban areas, they're stacked on top of one another, looking like decades ago Section 8 Housing for the Elderly only back in the 50's they were for the "poor" in the community. Or, they look now like high cost apartment complexes --.

Are you old enough to remember the song "Behind Closed Doors"?  It was about another life experience but the saying applies to places to "put" our elderly when we believe the only choice, the only decision -- mostly for those who are younger, have lives "of their own", live far away or live nearby but don't want "another" responsibility piled on their life of high expectations at work and at home.

Interesting...isn't it?  

How time flips and now the parent is looked at as "the child" -- in need of direction, of management and of course, of the "child/children" taking over making "the" decisions.

COVID Exiting Stage Left While Making Long Term Care Curtain Calls

Are we there yet?  How much farther do we have to go?  When WILL we be THERE?

Like children, adults have been sitting in the back seat for over a year and a half, not able to see ahead,  not in control of where they're headed or when they'll get there. COVID, Delta, it will be called by many names before we reach our "destination".

We were along for the ride with all the bumps and unexpected turns, the slips and slides, the ever changing surroundings and constant fluctuating heights and deep dips as we continued our journey to a destination always"just a little farther down the road".

Aging and the "perils" ahead can sometimes be seen, prepared for if you're fortunate and unfortunately our society TELLS US "if we just make the right choices, follow the correct directions" we'll build that "great life" and benefit from it until we die. 

It's not always true, applicable or even feasible and there are more chances every day to have your life interrupted and even negatively affected by forces beyond your control.

Few of us do more than look at the growth of the number of Senior Residences as a way of recognizing we're growing older in numbers far larger than the past. 

And, quite frankly, when there were deaths in Long Term Cares over this horrid time, it was "to be expected" and then, when it hit younger and younger and even children, we shook our heads and cried out in concern because -- IT SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING....THERE....

We need knowledge NOW. We need enlightenment NOW. 

Most of all, we NEED TO KNOW to make plans and changes for those faced with living in Long Term Care today and those who will require some form of "supervised" or "contained" living accomodations -- yes, that's the new "Continuum of Care".

"Something wicked this way comes" can seem to be the message of the day because information is unclear, difficult to find and, most of all,  hidden from view intentionally and through practices that are antiquated and harmful to a growing percentage of our population -- those beyond the age of 65.

Even those who "have planned" and "are set" can be hit hard by the unexpected medical, social and/or financial challenges. 

In a heartbeat or over an extended time of uncontrollable life challenges, there are continuing Acts of Life's Play that seem to be never ending and definitely beyond constant or even predetermined control.

Let's lift the curtain a little higher on the Stage of Life:

Let's stop along the road of long enough to realize we need a map (printed or digital) and clear directions along with knowledge of the destination we're moving toward.

It's time to move forward, looking backward, while stopping to examine, become famliar with and work toward change.

No segment of life by color, creed, belief or practice and especially by age should be overlooked and undersupported.

Children are low contributors to society; we look to the future for their "benefits" to be given.

Our older population has spent years contributing often sacrificing for "the next generation/generations", standing in the face of adversity, weathering the storms of life and continuing to move forward -- passing each decade into the unknown.

WHEN AND HOW WILL WE VALUE THOSE WHO HAVE "GONE BEFORE", created the road making us capable of looking and moving ahead while maintaining stability in the worst of times and creating so many "best of times"?

Each of us holds a. key to the future of care and concern for all ages and stages of life. 

It's a lock that needs many consistent attempts and trials by hands of all shapes, sizes and colors.

It's never too early.... seek and find, raise your voice on sites that contribute to positive change and actions for a better world for our aging population. 

Remember.....today you're twenty, tomorrow fifty and with a heartbeat, into your seventies, eighties and beyond. What you do today for others, you're doing for yourself for tomorrow. It's never too early but it can be too late. ACT NOW!

Full Circle of Life

PreNote:  Aging is different for everyone. Examples of our aged population in this entry are focused on those who are in need of daily living caregiving.

It's interesting when we compare the aged and the newborn: 

They can both be demanding. Like infants, some (but not all) must be fed, changed, physically moved from place to place, nap frequently, cry out when anything physically or emotionally bothers them.

Some elderly vary in their abilities and behaviours and so you have ages/stages not according to the famous Pediatricians but based on the individual physical, emotional and psychological wants and needs.

Plus, of course newborns weigh signifcantly less and haven't yet learned vocabulary -- especially any derogatory words or phrases to throw out at random or in particular.

If you are or have been a parent, however, primary caregiver who got up all night long for weeks on end in those first months, you recall the sleeplessness, the physical, mental and emotional challenges of caregiving.

THAT IS CAREGIVING WHATEVER THE AGE.

It's time we recognized and realized one size caregiving does not fit all and adapt and adopt much more person centered care that is recognizable, responsible and most of all recorded, reviewed and available.

One of the most read entries in this blog can be found at  http://lifetimesthreelivingwithlbd.blogspot.com/2014/04/comparing-contrasting-always-remaining.html   I

It compares what society in general and individuals in particular will do, what lengths they will go to, to ensure survival and thriving of our offspring, our progeny, the infants/toddlers/youth

Creating Deeper Wounds vs Cleaning Them Up

Time does not always heal.  Time sometimes digs holes deeper, builds hills into mountains and creates chasms that grow wider separating and isolating.

Forgive, we're told. Unconditional love . . . we must give, we're told. Just as an untreated sore gets bigger and deeper, not all problems resolve themselves and like an untreated wound they can fester, grow and cause other damage.

Waiting for resolution often moves people farther apart and harms those on the sidelines who have no say, no control and no input.

Experiencing verbal, emotional and physical abuse sometimes cannot be healed by the passing of time alone.

How can people change history, walk/run away and continue living as though yesterday's actions and words were totally different from the reality and actuality of what was said and done?

Perhaps they're caught in a growing "web" of a life they believed in and thought was the right direction only to find it was a tangled web filled with deceit and deception against others while enduring pain and hardship trying to protect what they thought would and could be in their own lives.

To admit wrong, to admit injustice to be forthright about causing hardship and loss . . . 

It takes walking through life to the other side, turning around and reaching back, pulling aside the curtain created and moving the piles of actions, words and deeds that harmed another to satisfy a personal need . . .

It means setting your ego, your wants and needs aside and moving the wrongdoing into the light acknowledging your part in creation and management were for your own benefit while at the expense of another's 

What did you say, how did you act, what part did you play in creating and escalating to arrive at this destination of separation and blame directed solely outwards without accepting any part in its creation or maintenance?

It's not just your life that's been in the middle of this situation. It's grown beyond into directly affecting those who played no part, had no responsibility and yet suffer the consequences of behaviors and actions of others.

Life Is One Big Test

Just when you think you have the right answer, life shows you what was once right, is no longer, and you now have an even more complicated challenge . . . or does it?

Some have stretched out their hand while riding life's Merry-Go-Round and pulled back a part or even the whole brass or even gold ring living a life others would love to have just a small part of ....

Others ride the endless merry-go-round, holding on tight just to try to make it from the beginning of the ride through the countless and endless circles of the journey.

Many have lived and continue to live with challenges of health and well being from basic needs to growing medical concerns . . . 

and although some have "come to the rescue" donating time and even money, the challenges continue. . . because the basic components of the problem have always been set aside. 

We reason, we rationalize, we set goals and fixate on achievement only to hit a "pause" or "replay" in life to see with different eyes the goals we set, we missed and achieved, have a different value from a different point of view. . 

Too costly, too time consuming, not as important as another "problem" which would receive more support and bring more positive recognition

Some have put others before themselves and outside forces have intervened to disrupt and negate causing more decline and regression.

Some believe "they" know better than we do because "they" had experience with the person making decisions "they" did not like, did not want and felt "deprived" so, of course, this was what was being done again. 

Maturity is not a number of years. It doesn't arrive suddenly with a specific birthday or even an event. Ask anyone who practices a skillset from sports to medicine and they'll tell you it's a constant learning experience and changing all the time.

As with so many other parts of life from the building by colonies of ants to man's reach for the stars . . . there are patterns we create by the choices we make.

Rationalizaton and Reasoning to get through times we want to get past:          

If it's in my life, I'll voice my opinion but I won't really ask questions and get involved.              

I already know everything I want or need to know.....let's just get on with my life and  someone will figure out how to handle, get rid of or even make whatever's the problem --    GO AWAY!

It may be a pattern ...

established from finding in life when you speak up you either get volunteered, pulled in or pushed  out; when you report something you see that is harming another or others, you find yourself embroiled in the "system" that takes you through a wringer and pushes you out in a  form that you don't recognize.

There are a myriad of reasons, ways to explain and even excuse our words and our actions.

Test Taking is a learned skill.

LIfe Test Taking is a learning skill.

What one life inequity or problem can you start today to move to being resolved through your personal action to bring to light, show to others and make the world just a little better because you were a part of it....

TIME'S UP.  As it eventually is for all of us. When you put down your life's pen, what will you have written. Will it be lengthy or short? 

Will you have made a positive difference? 

Each in their own way can make a better world with consideration for all with whom we share this finite location of ultimately limited space and time.

Dementia: How Do We Know Thee....Let Me Count The Ways...

Ideas and relationships of actions come to me at the oddest times and in the strangest ways. Today it was seeing an announcement of Robin Williams and his journey through Lewy Body Dementia.

We went on the Lewy Journey...it was longer than we realized, not just recognizing the disease but living with it far in advance of realizing IT was a part of Mom's life and ours. 

We lived together every day for almost forty years and did not see it; took Mom to Dr's for various reasons and NO ONE saw it.

Lewy Body Dementia is an amazing chameleon like affliction. Thought about writing "disease" but we think of a disease as something we "catch". 

Reading a book, thinking about a family member, seeing pictures of an event.....each can cause thoughts about what could seem to be unrelated but spring into mind showing a direct connection with one another.

A few minutes ago I was thinking about my cousin who has early onset Dementia; not been told what form but another relative thinks it's Alzheimers. 

From spending time with her, I see and hear more memory "adjustment" than we experienced with Mom and her Lewy Body Dementia.

But then, MY brain asks, are we so sure we understand and can accurately categorize this "experience" of Dementia or will we look back on these times and those that went before as the "dark ages" of Dementia.

What came to mind was a photograph record...it's round....it brings music and words from the disc to our ears via a phonograph....Thomas Alva Edison...

We don't think about the person who went before Edison and who invented a "phonograph" that made a recording of sound waves on a glass plate but was unable to play back the sounds; he patented it on March 25 1857.

It took two specific pieces to create the ability to take what was "on" one piece to make it "come off" another yet still remain "embedded" in the original.

EUREKA! My mind said. I thought about my last visit with my cousin. We picked her up from her fairly new "home", an Assisted Living with Memory Care and took her to a party for one of her two daughters.

TRIGGERS.  Our mind receives (if all are working correctly) visual, audio, tactile and smell inputs and often finds relationships between these "senses" to what's occurring currently or has occurred in the past.

For my cousin with Dementia, the "recording" is playing and the "triggers" of sense interplay are working but the "timing" or where in time and space she is at the moment are not registering accurately.

To someone I would tell about our "experience", unless they had the same knowledge of Dementia as I do, they would simply see more evidence of my cousin's "Dementia" and how she was "really losing it".

What happened? Several times my cousin mentioned a Cousin we'd both spent significant amounts of time with when we were much younger. Joyce had an aneurysm at a very young age and passed suddenly in her sleep. 

To Karen, who was "here" and "now" physically and receiving stimulus by actions and activities, her brain was doing what would have been "normal" had it not been for Joyce's no longer being alive.

Karen made statements and asked questions and I believe somewhere deep inside her memories is the memory of Joyce having passed through this life but it wasn't "accessible" and she didn't have the ability to get to the information.

DEMENTIA IS A DISABILITY.  It limits but does not always remove capability and certainly not in all areas at the same time or at the same level.

DEMENTIA has been referred to as a "thief" but I've come to know it as an affliction of many types and varying levels that are not always consistent or visible.

TRIGGERS.  For Karen it was the two of us "cousins" being together and going to a family celebration.

Joyce would have been there if she could; we'd shared many memories together and to Karen we were the "slightly" older cousins who were "at that age" so envied by the ones who are five or more years younger. And Karen had actually spent more time in life with Joyce in our "grown up" life while my relationship with her was more from youth through early teens.

When you see all the pieces of the puzzle of Dementia and know where each part goes in a specific scenario you can relate to the person's challenge which is simply like having a short in a wiring system or a misconnect in time and place. 

So when we walked out the door and she asked where we were going and I told her we were taking her to her daughter's birthday party, Karen said she hoped Joyce would be there. 

Getting settled in the car, Karen said it had been a long time since she'd seen Joyce.

My interaction with friends, relatives and acquaintances with thought processing challenges has taught me to listen, not to correct, not to move forward into questioning or denial of what is said.

Karen asked if I thought Joyce might be coming to the party. She wondered when she would see her again if she wasn't. 

Karen smiled, she laughed and I could see her thoughts were of positive and enjoyable times. 

What difference did it make if she was "factual" and "accurate" and TOLD how things "really were"? None. 

There was no need to put a tailspin into her life and possibly affect the "NEW" experiences and possible memories, albeit for how long and in what way we could not say.

Instead I said I hadn't see Joyce in a very long time and I missed her, too.  

When Karen made this subject into a conversation, I simply took her "lead" without turning a sharp corner into areas where she could not go or would or could upset her because she could "experience" the pain we felt when we learned of Joyce's early and unexpected death.

Yes, the brain stores those hard, harsh and challenging memories along with the joys and celebrations and great events we go through.

Like that record and the phonograph, one without the other serves no real purpose, put them together and you have an "experience" and even, possibly, the recurrence of old memories or the making of new.

It's not lying to a person nor is is supporting "fabrications" or "untruths" as their journey is alongside us but there's a separation we cannot remove or sometimes adjust the covering or the level of light or darkness.

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Teach Your Children Well As They Will Inherit THIS Earth

What's happened in your neighborhood with COVID-19 since January 2020?

Two yards away a past Sunday evening I heard a conversation where a woman, a mother, spoke very negatively about the  practice of another Mom who decided to "allow" a visit by Mom's daughter to their home but only with "restrictions". 

Mom was "insulted" personally and "for her daughter"  -- as she stated -- because the visited family followed rules of Social Distancing and would NOT allow "HER" daughter to "go inside their house, get a drink, go to the bathroom or even play games inside the house" -- when they had this amazing gameroom her daughter "loved to use".

This was just days after our businesses began reopening and people started to "gather" again -- often pushing the limit of common sense which we would see reflected in the upsurge and heightened concern for an even greater loss of life, more hospitalizations and challenges to people below the "norm" poorly interpreted and gathered statistics were providing.

NOTE:  We are now in another upswing with our County recording record high deaths and validated COVID individual infections.

Late at night, kids in tow and these "adults" are encouraging one another and following the lead of one in particular-- who  did  not have children with him -- to GET DRUNK? 

Adults who are LIfetime Teenagers? 

And . . . they criticize other ages believing they "know better" and "do better" than those who went before them? 

Each age group has within it many different types of people; we keep hoping those who "push the limits" will drop in numbers....as did our parents and grandparents.

If they drove, who would drive and what "example" were they setting for their children who would be driving in a few years?

The couple and another person were visiting, friends about to move to another house and possibly helping to get the home ready to "show" as one stated he  was bringing a couple he "wanted to see it and wanted THEM to buy it" -- vocalizing how he "selects" who he wants to buy based on what "he' thinks is "best".

Did we just step back to the 1950's/1960's?

What year is this?  Which generation is that? 

Decades pass, however, behaviors never seem to change . . .  for some.

LIFE AS USUAL is what the MOM felt was her RIGHT and her daughter's. 

THIS is what she's teaching, This is what she's modeling:  

MY RIGHTS are more important than someone else's. 

YOUR RIGHTS ... matter only if I choose to recognize them or "honor" them.

LIFE IS ABOUT CHANGE. Life is not moving from one time to another without negatives along with positives.

In fact, when we "move along" only looking towards the "future BIG events" we often lose sight of the day-to-day SIGNIFICANT CHALLENGES THAT CONTINUE, DEVELOP AND GROW.

PEOPLE ARE ASKING . . .

Why we haven't resolved the issues we're seeing

SIMPLE.  We needed to see more clearly and more people had to see the same thing at the same time.

CHANGE IS NOT BROUGHT ABOUT BY THE GOOD TIMES -- IT'S A RESULT OF THE CHALLENGES THAT ARE RECOGNIZED BY ENOUGH NUMBERS OF PEOPLE

NOT ME, NOT MINE . . . It won't happen here....it won't touch "me" or "mine"

-- we're not in the "statistics" of those "getting it" 

-- we don't live in the area where it's most active" or 'It's overblown" or "a conspiracy".

-- lots of people are "getting it" and "get over it"

--...worst case you go to the Doctor, ER or into the hospital where they can take care of those who do get sick and those who die???

well, just was meant to be.... or they did something to bring it on....or.....

SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK ... how?

COVID-19 is the biggest and the worst "evil" (even with the wars and other world events) all but a very small part of the population has seen in their lifetime 

How long did it take for the Gen X parents to decide "they" could play with friends -- maybe at a distance but "depriving them" of "socialization" was not in their or the parent's best interests?  But they're not the only ones, parents of elementary school children who see the stats and believe that age group "can't" or "won't" get the "bug" are making play dates.

COVID-19 NEEDS CARRIERS AS WELL AS DISTRIBUTORS and some carriers, for whatever reason we have no current knowledge of, may not show signs of the disease yet provide through their connection with others, transmittal or being a "host" -- believe we will discover this at some future time.

Let's face it -- schools are the natural "dropping point" for at least six to eight hours of adult time -- to work, to exercise, attend meetings, pursue interests or run errands.

When Kindergarten was added to the list of "free" education and then extended through High School -- "we" (women) were given more time and more choices as society became less "home" labor intensive and moving up the ladder meant hiring others or carpooling to "lessen" the "challenges" of keeping the kids "occupied".

THEN CAME SUMMER .... of course it comes every year but parents who "interweave" activities and interests within the school year or can't because of the time or cost or transportation or other reasons could now PLAN TO SEND THEIR KIDS TO CAMP, TO SUMMER SCHOOL OR SUMMER SPORTS  or just to someone else's house to "play" or "be entertained".

Some families, those of better "means" employed services after school or carpooled (that's a word we'll not use for some time) with other families.

Open your eyes and your hearts. Look beyond your "self". And, pray you're not one of those who loses a family member or friend, a child, a teen, adult, young parent, father, mother, grandparent.

WE ARE THE WORLD FOR and WITH ONE ANOTHER.

What are you teaching your children through this time of reflection, relearning and remembering?

Another song whose lyrics we should take to heart ---

"I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way"

Watching the neighborhood children a week ago riding bikes and walking together in groups I wondered where their parents were -- they were sitting in their backyard visiting with guests.

As the tree bends --- is the old saying.

Yes, it's difficult NOT TO HAVE what we want, what we desire, what we're "used to".--

It's called "doing without" and many live this way 24/7....

Surely we can give so that other's live... not get so sick or even die?

We give blood to save lives -- how about giving others the breath of life???

Unsung Heroes On Memorial Day

My Mom was one of those women on the silent front line during WWII in her personal and working life.

Unmarried and needing to support herself, help raise many siblings and giving of her time to anyone who needed help, she was a role model I admire today six years past her passing in 2014, into her 100th year.

WOMEN.  We're beginning to see more women in the forefront of life leading and following -- setting the pace and keeping it moving.  They've always been there; we just didn't acknowledge how critical their service was on the homefront.

She worked at Carter Carburetor, one of the main suppliers that kept the mechanics of war moving, the advancement of our troops into areas to liberate and free those who had been and were continuing to be starved, relocated and killed all in the name of power and control.

Mom was one of that generation's Silent Majority (see the 1960's for more reference to this term) and she sought no recognition, no reward other than to know she was there when she was needed.

Today, I saw on a Sunday program how a past trumpeter and a news specialist are asking anyone who plays the bugle and knows how to play Taps to play at 3 PM tomorrow, Memorial Day.

Yesterday my daughter and I went to Mom's gravesite. She's buried where she chose, in a small rural cemetery along with many of her family members, some from long ago generations -- cousins, friends, many like her who lived, loved and laughed and gave of their time and work and some their lives for others.

We brought peonies and iris from our home -- flowers given to us as small plants many years ago from Mom's oldest sister-- Mom loved to see them bloom each Spring. 

We saw many US Flags placed on graves including my Uncles'. 

I shared, as Mom taught me, placing one flower on each of the graves, acknowledging the women who stood beside these men. 

They were heros carrying on with life and managing households, families and even advancing pregnancies facing unknowns, uncertainties and, like today, not knowing what was happening and most importantly when it would end and how it would end.

I remembered one of Mom's last requests -- to have taps played.  We were told it was "only played" for Veterans.

Mom didn't wear a military uniform but every day from almost dawn to dusk she worked assembling machinery for the front line and formed a part of the supply chain ensuring those who did were supported in ways to move towards Peace and stopping the spread of hatred and abuse.

Isn't Peace and prosperity for all what we strive to create and isn't that a world centered and reason why so many braved the trip across the waters and still today struggle to gain entry into this nation formed as one from many?

Someone in our family did go to play taps for Mom after we left her with those she chose to be with for eternity. I am proud of what he did and proud that Mom, who was as vital to Freedom as those who could go into the direct action, was honored for her choice to serve, how she could, where and when she saw there was a need.

TAPS.  A greeting of farewell. Acknowledgement of sundown that follows the struggles of the day and the courage to face what it brought -- believing in tomorrow.

HONOR. TRIBUTE. COURAGE. Wearing the daily uniforms of life of the times to be recognized and honored for what they did and what they could do for one and for all.

More Than 5,500 Pandemic Deaths Stimulate Investigations Long Term Care -- HALLELUJAH!

Eight years of writing this blog.  

I tried to start a movement but too many were "too busy" with their "lives" to do more than read.

A Pandemic occurs. Long Term Care Deaths at 5,500 -- that's the number we've been told about as of today.

It will rise. We still have far too many States that have not "opened wide the doors" to turn these facilities into the medical residences they are supposed to be.

Do Not Turn Away....Do Not Walk Away...Move Into


The Killing Fields I called it and many still turned aside.

Somewhere, somehow, I can only hope, someone took notice and a "movement" began to Keep Our Seniors Safe in Long Term Care.

Many US Citizens family members die today and have died since January 2020 as victims of the system that gives "closed societies", as Long Term Care is, the right to hide from prospective residents, residents, families and friends and the general public adherence to standards of caregiving that would not be tolerated in Hospitals or Child Care Facilities.

Law Revisions. Law additions. 

Accountability.   Open Records. More Transparency.

Reports can be made without disclosing personal information; there are thousands of reports each day given on line, to the governments and to we, the people, that include statistics from which we make choices and decisions.

Long Term Care is not among these.

Long Term Care is a medical level of caregiving.

Who Will Stand Up For Our Seniors? 

Who Will Change Laws and Enforce Them?

Disposing of Our Aging Population -- Long Term Care Continues Years of Neglect and Abuse

How wonderful, a man over one hundred fought Coronavirus and he won.

How amazing, a woman in her 80's took on coronovirus and as sick as she was, she won the battle.

How "they" hope you'll see these reports ... THE RESIDENTS HAVE HAD NO REAL VOICE (or "Voyce" as The Ombudsman program in the St Louis area is called) because --- no one cared enough to protect our most vulnerable population -- vulnerable to being ignored, set aside, FORGOTTEN.

Where are the REAL statistics?  The one's I've written about since beginning this blog after seeing first hand on a daily basis the neglect and abuse practiced and supported by....Long Term Care Companies and those in positions of responsibility which they've set aside ... but they've never set aside the money they accumulated.

FEAR OF DISCLOSURE? 

PANIC WOULD ENSUE?

If you had done your job, Media, you would have rung the bell hard and ensured our elderly were protected in full BEFORE THIS CRISIS HIT.

You're hiding the truth by just making mention of what's happening and not telling the truth about the State by State DHSS both Federal and State low level of "regulations" that have perpetrated and continued this system.

LACK OF STANDARDS AS MEDICAL FACILITIES

FAILURE TO RECOGNIZE LACK OF REAL MEDICAL PERSONNEL 

often only one RN for an entire Facility and usually only Monday through Friday -- 

States allow Long Term Care Facilities to operate with one (1) LPN on duty for an entire facility.

And we wonder why the statistics are so high with deaths in LTC from Coronavirus?

It's not age -- it's putting human beings in spaces where any type of communicable disease can run rampant and facilities have been allowed -- for decades -- to produce Death Certifications of

DIED OF OLD AGE

PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS

Hidden bodies piled up.

WHAT ACTION DID THE STATES TAKE -- THEY REMOVED VISITATION -- DID IT WORK -- OF COURSE NOT-- 

Can't close it down because of COVID? 

Why not  -- you're putting people into hospitals -- but not the aged and ageing of LTC's -- WHY NOT?

Their "lives" aren't worth saving?

They're "too old" and probably won't survive?

When a society treats any age or stage of life as DISPOSABLE -- it has sunk to the depths of "humanity".

The virus, as I've written when others were saying it will "end...soon" has mutated and will continue to do so-- 

Florida is opening up its Beaches --- tourism and money mean more than human life?

Other States don't believe they have it "signifcantly enough" to warrant keeping restrictions in place --

When will we understand .... when will we "ever learn"....when will we "EVER" LEARN?

The Killing Fields -- Long Term Care Facilities Without Good Medical Care

In the beginning, just a few weeks ago, people were led to believe the Coronovirus was an "old person's" disease.

Why? 

Deaths at Long Term Care facilities that were found to be caused by the disease. Then more deaths of older people.

Doesn't that prove it's a "selective disease"?

People who were younger walked around, traveled, thumbed their noses at anyone who suggested they would have any role in this horrible scenerio.

Like the three monkeys, they covered their eyes, ears and mouths because this "old people's" disease wasn't "coming for them" --- 

Yes, it was and is...."when will they ever learn...when will they ever learn"--we're losing flowers everywhere---gone, never to return.

And we continue to not send in the DHSS and trained Medical Professionals to handle the outbreaks in Long Term Care Facilities believing they can "handle" the situtation, they're "private" businesses and the government shouldn't "interfere", perhaps? 

I disagree. They are facilities that receive government "funding" through Medicare and Medicaid and we, the people, are not doing enough to ensure the basic safety, level of medical capability, staffing and so much more and our only and last resort are those Department of Governments, State and Federal who MUST intervene or we will face an even higher toll of loss of loved ones who should not be seen as "expendable".

Until you speak up. 

Until you advocate and stimulate ...

friends, relatives and anyone using your Social Media connectivity 

to voices 

in protest 

to ensure our legacy, our foundation of this amazing country -- 

those who fought and continue to fight, 

those who deserve to be protected and yes, to be saved..

or do we start considering, as AARP does, 50 is a Senior 

    believing it's more the "young" who "deserve" to be "saved"....

It Isn't Age..... That's Causing Deaths...

It's exposure of all ages and stages of life....

to a deadly enemy who moves through the world not checking birth certificates 

Even more "mature" audiences took chances (yes, Gen X), who made decisions that spread the disease and believed they were "immune" and couldn't be affected, couldn't possibly be "carriers" -- a word they would soon learn is true of many who do not show symptoms or test positively.

Since the last serious Pandemic, we created school systems providing FREE education to ages Kindergarten through High School graduation. 

We've Failed .....to teach common sense

We've Failed ... to teach compassion and consideration

When will we listen to the cries of our parents and grandparents 

and raise the curtain on the Long Term Care facilities -- 

who have been 

Operating for Years with Poor Medical Services,  

Less Than Acceptable Levels of Certified Medical Staff in house 24/7 -- people don't get sick or need medical attention from 7am to 5 pm on weekdays -- do you? do your children? 

In my life and on this site, I've been citing statistics, calling emergency numbers for relatives and friends who were residents deprived of medical and other care,deprived of the ability to communicate, deprived of making choices, given basic clean care that included not moving from one bed to another contaminating one person after another failing to really clean their hands.

THE REALITY OF THE  SYSTEM  -- Long Term Care Privately Owned and Not For Profits often payexecutives as though they worked in Corporate America with high six and seven figure salaries, amenities, bonuses and more -- running sometimes into the seven figures -- is doing so at the expense of ensuring most residents spend an aberage of three years and then their "space" is turned over to another.

LET'S REALIZE....when you reduce or eliminate good medical care....things happen as I've reported -- falls, breaks, infections, acceleration of pre-existing conditions and more...

Why isn't there a mandate EVERY Long Term Care especially but all Care Giving Facilities of all levels must provide each resident with access and assist them to connect with family and friends outside of the facilities by computer through face to face connectivity-- visutal means.

A SHOUT OUT TO THE OMBUDSMAN PROGRAM....this should be a responsibility of each location in each State but will not be even discussed unless people who read this and people you talk with are told there are far better ways to live in Long Term Care than what we're providing our elderly. 

REMEMBER .... I detailed how my friend Carol died two days before her birthday -- two days before we could visit with her. My daughter and I knew Carol since 2011; this was 2019; 8 YEARS of visiting, taking her places, getting her a tatoo she'd wanted for decades; providing her with clothes, a little money to shop; the brands of toothpaste, liquid body lotion, shampoo, etc and no one connected with us not even when we walked in to "ease the shock" of finding her "gone".

We walked into Carol's room, one she'd shared with a woman who was also ill treated by the facility, to see her empty bed and many of her prized possessions gone or piled nearby.

This is what's going on today it hasn't changed. We're so busy seeing the devastation that's spread so far that we're not seeing what should be seen -- abuse in Long term Care Faciliteis and total disregard for Medical Services while charging what the market will bear to Insurance Companies, Federal and State programs.

If it's to be, it's up to YOU.....I've been speaking up since 2012 publically in this blog and before that in my community through advocating for Seniors.

How many more lives are expendable?

How many more times will we believe "he/she died, he/she was"old", he/she had a "pre-existing condition" -- all may be true but you're not recognizing none of these are actual "reasons" for death, they are ways to excuse poor caregiving, lack of quality medical treatment available and too few people made to do too much in ways they use shortcuts because they "have to".

How many more lives are expendable because we only see what the Media shows us and we can't find our own voices to speak up, speak out and ensure this abuse of our Senior Population CEASES, DESISTS and enforce standards that are what we as Americans believe we should receive at all ages and stages of life.

You are the answer. 

Tell others to read this blog and other entries. 

Take action. Spread the word. 

Go online. Connect with your State and National Congress people

Use Social Media to raise awareness and question what you're told.

Never before have individuals had at their fingertips and held in their hands so powerful a means of communicating, opening doors and windows and shining light on darkness.

Remember...each day you're getting older....how do you want to be treated if you find yourself in LONG TERM CARE or another facility. It could happen any time....