When The Daughter Becomes The Mother

Originally posted April 8, 2013; Mom would pass January 2014

Lewy Body Dementia has been trying to destroy our family.

It's making great progress with the help of people who chose 

not to see or accept the reality of this destructive and devastating terminal disease.

Fast forward with a few steps backward. 

Spent four hours with Mom from five to nine last night.

Had a phone call around 1 PM, 

it was a Sunday, alerting me Mom had fallen in her shared bathroom at the Skilled Nursing Center (SNC).

Was working and couldn't get to her right away.

Made sure she was not injured.

Held my breath wondering what I might find when I arrived.

Falls are common with LBD as the body motor functions & mental functions do not always work together.

Her feet "stick to the floor" (which Mom blames on her "new" shoes; slippers she's worn for many months).

Her arms do not support the shift in weight from wheelchair to commode (and she definitely will not ring for help; they take too long; they're too critical).

The reality is the brain's messages do not always reach their intended functioning part while the brain believes they have and so an "accident" happens because the body generally moves to some degree but not with the support or ability it should have.

There are many reasons for her refusal including the most obvious: Mom wants to retain control of the basic parts of her life and toileting is one of the most basic. 

The diminishing ability and the frequent loss of bladder and bowel function that has been more and more prevalent is probably a sign of more significant physical changes internally.

We've noticed some patterns and try to watch for related developments/causes all without any support from the LTC.

LBD and Dementia raise the level of risk taking we tolerate or allow in our loved ones to try to give them as much "personal freedom" as possible. 

Like holding a child's hand when crossing a street and eventually turning loose believing they'll be cautious or 

turning over the car keys for the first time.

With a child there are so many "firsts" and so many "what if's" 

With the adult "child" going through Dementia we don't look forward, welcome or anticipate these changes. 

We're on a backward, not a forward journey.

We travel on a roller coaster. 

Speeds and distance vary, no stops along the way

Only continuing into a future of uncertainty.

Some days, even some hours, change and fluctuating abilities cause sheer exhaustion on the part of the care provider. 

You never know what "age group" you're dealing with or what "level of ability" is actually present.

Last night Mom talked nonstop; knowing the family history so well I heard years and events mixed up, run together, totally opposite from what we'd experienced in the many years we shared together.

Mom didn't recognize me and so she talked to me as though I were someone else. She was not at all happy with "her daughter" that evening so this "person" heard about all the "bad things" her daughter did to her and continues to do to her.

Swallowing my pride, I listened, allowed her to "rant". 

My concerns are the uninformed attendants and those "examining" my Mom who don't know the real family history 

and actually believe these distortions and twists of reality. 

That's where understanding Dementia and especially Lewy Body Dementia are so important.

It was rough. 

Sitting there and having her negate our lives together.

We'd spent almost forty years as a multigenerational family. 

I know I'm supposed to "redirect" her; even when I told her who I was, she would remember for a while and then forget and we'd be "off and running" again.

As hard as it was to sit there and be verbally abused, I felt perhaps she needed to "vent" and blame me for her being somewhere she'd never wanted to be -- a Nursing Facility.

My problem has been workers in the facility and others I've encountered along this walk on the LBD pathway who listen believing what she says describes her life and our relationship.

It also doesn't help to still have to tolerate an abuser who continues to visit my Mom and who I can't stop from seeing her.

A story for another entry. 

It's a nightmare that's worse even than LBD.

Mom inserts words with no relationship to what she's talking about and when one time she realizes her mistake, laughs and covers her mistake by saying how silly she is and how she's just getting older and sometimes her mind just doesn't work as well.

She also believes she recently married a man she hasn't seen for about seventy five years who was just an acquaintance.  

Mom sleeps... a lot.  

She needs help cutting food into piece and said last night she didn't want help because they cut it in front of her. 

Mom lets me and my daughter do it for her but someone else doing it, as she said, is too much to bear...not capable

She needs clothing paired and not too much in her room or she can't make a decision on what to wear and spends the day dressing and undressing. 

This is a real challenge because she's started soiling and wetting her clothing and if I don't visit almost every day she ends up having very little to wear.

She has "tantrums" where she suddenly gets very angry.

I'm a prime target.  

She cries and "whines" about many things, then suddenly she stops and a few minutes later can be smiling. 

She's somewhat incontinent; it varies but it's becoming more and more consistent; she forgets to put on her "paper pants" and she wipes herself and then uses the toilet tissue as a washcloth on other parts of her body.

This "obsession" with washing started in the last few weeks. 

I've found her stark naked many times in her room or in the bathroom. She might have had a shower that day or not. 

She may have already "washed" for that day or not. 

But stripped down, often without clothing in sight.

Sometimes I've entered, stood aside and watched as for fifteen minutes or longer she starts washing, gets distracted by something (usually it's something she talks to herself about or to her "imaginary friends") and starts all over again time after time after time until I announce my presence and interrupt the endless repetition.

Last night after finally convincing her to eat the food on her dinner tray set in her room because she'd fallen and didn't want to go to the dining room, placing the towel she wanted as a "bib" around her neck and one on her lap, I convinced her to eat.

Another Lewy Body Dementia "sign", the tremors in her hand cause many bits and pieces she finally manages to get on the soup spoon she usually uses to feed herself to fall everywhere. 

After tearing her egg salad sandwich in half and turning away to reach for something, I turn back to see her with half a sandwich in hand using it as though it were a bar of soap and rubbing it all over her other hand and arm, switching hands and doing the same to the one she'd originally used. 

What a mess!  I've learned not to "react" to these totally incorrect actions but egg salad isn't exactly easy to control as it drips and drops all over the tray, her and the floor. 

Mom didn't even realize what she'd done but when she finally felt "wet" and "sticky" she asked why and when I told her what she'd just used to "clean herself" wasn't soap but the sandwich, she laughed and just went on to eat and continue talking -- often with her mouth full of food.

Mom shouldn't dine unsupervised but the facility can't seem to understand, doesn't want to help her or is short-staffed.

 (more later about the financial gain of SNC's in not fully recording or evaluating various physcial and mental needs) because some days Mom's behaviour seems quite "normal" even if her ability to self feed is compromised.

My Mom. My amazing, self sufficient, "rock" in my life.

She who held everything together.

The pattern for becoming the woman I am. 

My "rock" through many of life's hardships.

Slowly disappearing while I'm focused on learning where this road may lead so we can both walk down it together, supporting one another as we always did.

So hard to watch; to listen to; to talk about. 

So needing to share this journey others seem to pass by.

So challenging to discuss perhaps because it's so "personal".

Specific descriptions of behaviour shocking? 

Not "polite conversation"? 

If only someone had told me exactly what could happen.

These "non polite"  and "times of hardship" situations would have been less shocking and could have been handled better. 

Mom's facility doesn't "share" this information.

I have to see it to know it's happening.

I see sharing these most challenging behaviours and experiences as a guide to living with and surviving a loved one's journey into an abyss so dark and tumultuous that any light provided slows the descent and adjusts the turmoil for those who are slowly being left behind, in the dark and without the amazing person who's shared their life and their love. 

Mom continues to teach me as she always has. 

The only difference is the child is now the mother.

Adjusting, finding ways to understand.

Believing tomorrow will bring a better day when today has drained me through work, caring for Mom and continuing adjustment to becoming a widow.

You, my readers of today and tomorrow, may know more and have medical support as the years I'm in do not provide this knowledge and give no real comfort. 

Note: July, 2024. More than ten years have passed.

Change? Not really. More complications and challenges.

Long Term Care has advanced and stagnated.

Generally, the more you pay, the better the care -- not always.

Take heed, dear readers, as even with the knowledge, there will be those among you who will not comprehend the heartbreak during and the losses along the journey until your walk begins.

Beginning The End

I saw it happening. Didn't want to believe it. 

Shared with family. Can face when not facing Mom.  

Her passage into the final stage of Lewy Body Dementia--like other stages -- slow at first, highlighted by major changes, not always visible, often seeming to reverse. 

We're not certain how far into this stage she's travelled.

As we see the "new stage" we wonder when it began. 

I think we're seeing it when we're really into it because the changes are more noticeable and seem to be more prevalent.

How far along are we on this journey with Mom?  

Are we really slipping into the final final stages?  

SNC Nurse Manager called and said she thought Mom was ready for Hospice. 

I haven't cried for a long time.

Not  since my husband's death have I really sat down, tears flowing without any ability to stop them. 

I started to cry, I was at work, 

I hid the tears until I could be alone.

We were unable to visit for two days. 

When we arrived, Mom was slumped over.

She was  almost falling out of her wheelchair. 

I'd seen other residents this way. 

She couldn't communicate. 

Just two days had passed.

Mom wasn't communicating as much; she was talking before. She was eating or could be encouraged to eat.

She held and was able to finish, both pieces of an egg salad sandwich.

Now she looks as though she's lost at least twenty pounds.

Why didn't I see this extensive weight loss? 

Was it because her clothes are the size they are?

 

Some blame goes to the Nurse Manager.

She said Mom was holding at the same weight as always.

Just a few weeks ago.

Truth or fiction. We relied on whatever we were told.

Could Mom have lost that much weight without our seeing it happen? 

Yes, we'd both been busy.

I now had a full time job.

My daughter had a very busy part time job.

We weren't stopping by every day. 

She was eating we were told

She ate well even when we weren't there to feed her.

False, misleading, deceptive; not reality.

Meant to "pacify" members of "the family".

They "could" feed her?  It was obvious they were short staffed.

If loved ones weren't there, a "resident" was often "on their own.

Mom and others could be seen using their fingers.

Not able to use a fork or spoon.

From potatoes and gravy to veggies like corn or peas -- driven by the need to eat.

Tears come to my eyes even years later when I'm re-reading and feel so guilty, like I abandoned my Mom, even if I was working two jobs, trying to survive, desperately believing we would be together, the three women in the family -- again. 

Hospice. It's such a final step. No matter what they tell you about people going "off" Hospice.

At Mom's age, this is most probably not going to happen. 

I don't like the limitations. 

If we accept Hospice we can't take her or send her to the hospital for an infection.

Mom and so many others have had UTI's.

I see UTI's as not something that has to be a part of growing older and incontinence. Am I being realistic?

If those who are responsible for her care checked her more frequently and didn't let her sit in her excrement or urine, I don't think UTI's would be so frequent.

I see how short staffed they are; I hear the men and women beg for someone to take care of their needs. 

I hear an LPN tell someone to "be quiet" and "I'll get to you".

Twenty minutes later she's still distributing medications and no one has helped the person who called out.

If Mom's Caregivers at the SNC watched her as closely as we did, they'd see the changes, catch the eye and other infections. 

Most of all, they'd monitor her illnesses/infections as a medical facility, which in Missouri a Skilled Nursing Center is, alert the Dr in charge the medication did not work.

We can't not try to help her. 

Mom's wishes have always been to seek medical help for infections. 

We'll make the decision and take her to the hospital -- even though she'd just been about ten days ago.

I'm walking the road with Mom and I'm not that far behind where she's travelled even though Mom had me later in life. 

I'm afraid for her. I'm afraid for me. I'm afraid for you.

Change Bypassing Generations

Just Yesterday, High School and College Graduations, Speeches and Awards, Dreams and Desires.

Where will they be ten years from now?                                                       Graduates believing they can define their lives and segment?

Filling spaces others left or moved on. Wiser? Encouraged? Disillusioned?

The AI Clock has been ticking and taking.

How adaptable are these "graduates" with some experience?

Still pursuing "more" education, certifications, internships.

Perhaps a few years of experience, finding their skillsets once cutting edge are bordering on obsolescence?

Keeping Up With The AI "Joneses" will be far more challenging than keeping up with the humans.

How many burned out? How many just gave up?

Trying to use what's now obsolete education and training that used to be a building block but now is simply a series of platforms leading to a place where jumping off occurs.

(History repeats itself when AI went from a dream to prototypes to every school, library, business and almost all homes.)

ADAPTATION NEVER ENDS.

Boomers were stuck in a continual need to change to increase income, to move to gain better possibilities and to realize acquiring and adding from household items to children, was a major decision more complex than additional costs.

Today, seen by many as "affluent" who were actually only moving into a slightly higher socio economic class when they moved from an apartment to their first small home, added family members and possibly moved again with a slight upgrade. 

Then, for some, the "biggie" -- buying that "forever home".

IT'S THE ONE THEIR SECOND GENERATION REPLACEMENTS ENVY AND WANT "TURNED OVER".

This "Generation" is often the same ones whose parents pushed their parents -- The Boomers -- for "family vacations" where the "well funded and invested" Grandparents footed the bill for them and their parents.

Now, they have been entitled for decades, got an education, went into the job market, decided they could get a "hustle" and made some good money -- for a while. 

Whoops! Not really a business person. The shining light of so much coming in overshadowed the glare of what lay in the shadows of "reality" business organization and development.

GEN X. What a name for a group of humans!

Is that "X" marks the spot where we fell asleep at the wheel of life and so many passed us we could barely catch up let alone get ahead?

At least previous Generational Titles were a little more creative!

That's the challenge, really; change takes decades but what it does is often bypass some generations, setting aside others.

Grief Wears Many Faces

Grief wears many faces -- the everyday, the horrific loss, the time past and the faces presented to the world in each human encounter experienced today, tomorrow, everyday.

Death is one form of Grief. It seems to be the most challenging because there is no hope in the here and now for change. 

Death, after all, is the final frontier and not reversible.

 I met a woman who was working through her grief of a couple of years. Her "friends" keep telling her it's been long enough, she should "do other things" of course, they tell her what she shouldn't do, too.

She had a very long marriage, as she said "good pair" who made their lives together and survived decades of challenges.

Not to be minimal, but think of it as having in your life anything, human or an object, when it's "gone",  you "miss" having it. 

The degree to which you miss this object is often associated with the length of time, the value and the part it played in your life. 

Well intentioned friends and acquaintances often do not grasp the level at which the loss is experienced and for how long.

Grief has many "faces" to the world:

Some had less than good experiences in their relationship and so the "passing" may even be a relief but reflected to the world as one of their having "adjusted" so well, so quickly as they moved on. 

It's different for everyone; don't be quick to judge, to approve or disapprove; it's their life, not yours.

Some find a need to replace or restore their lives through finding another to share the time and reclaim life as they knew it.

Some bear the loss seeking solutions along the way to understand, comprehend and manage a new, yet unwanted, life beginning.

Others have been affected by more than just the death, illness, loss -- they are struggling to move forward while most people walk around these individuals, some offer support of one kind of another, most go on living their lives giving their support or encouragement when they have the time or when they come in contact with the "bereaved".

Why do we only see grief as being a "deep" feeling and if someone doesn't "display" this form of grief/sorrow, they are heartless, uncaring and unfeeling?

Some of us hide grief created by the actions taken by someone in their life that aren't associated with death but have the same effect. 

Realizing responsibilities must come before self focus.

Some cannot accept actions they took and while regretting privately actions, words or deeds, lack the courage to acknowledge and instead use this time to accelerate attacking and negating.

Children who remove the ability to talk with or visit grandchildren because they cannot resolve differences through active listening and engagement in resolution processes or take responsibility for years of abuse they did prefer to shift and create blame in another.

Parents endured behaviours from these children over many years and now the "child" uses the "ultimate weapon" -- denial of the only thing they really control access to believing they are "winning" a "battle".

How very sad to use human beings in this way. 

There are, of course, valid reasons for denying contact including physical abuse but to insert another human being into a situation where you cannot face the challenges in the relationship you've created does not resolve the situation and only adds "fuel to the fire".

Sadly, these grown "children" pick up their marbles and go home when they cannot get the other person to follow their lead, to do what they want and to give up whatever the other wants.

They are planting the seeds of a tomorrow when their children will be adults and will have the ability to question and possibly put into practice what was done to them on the real perpetrators.

They have struggled in life facing and owning their negative actions and often hide behind masks they create to hide the reality of what they've done and continue to do. 

To the world at large, these providers of grief may appear to function normally, possibly even exceeding in areas, but in reality they are deeply troubled individuals who need to face the real problems in their lives, not those they "identify" or replace what should be faced, what should be resolved.

The definition of grief that includes "trouble" and "annoyance" I would expand and add "a force that weaves into and around the life experience causing unforseen and unanticipated disruption and potentially unreclaimable losses."

INTERESTING COMPARISON:  I've been writing about the need to redefine or rexamine DEMENTIA and recognize it's not the depth of the disease, it's the impact the disease causes in all its stages.

THIS IS GRIEF'S DEFINITION AS WELL.

To believe Grief starts with death and over time subsides or goes away is as false, misleading and deceptive as believing the only kind of Dementia is Alzheimers. 

As for me, I've chosen not to accept Grief as others define the process. 

Has Grief affected me? Absolutely. 

Does Grief rule my life and control me? Definitely Not!

It's understanding where you are, where you need to be that becomes important to allowing for grief but not succumbing to it or building the forcefulness of its impact on you.

I've lived believing each day I face choices, make decisions and continue the path with those whom I love and loved, walking together even though we're apart.

Many days, many years that have followed have not been pleasant, enjoyable, welcome; many have been devastating, challenging. 

We, you and I, decide each day how we will move through that time, when we have moved forward and to what point without someone with whom we shared and may still have or may choose to place in a different perspective, a life bond.

Grief is personal. 

Grief is not the feelings of a friend, acquaintance or family member. Grief can be shared but grief is unique to all it affects.

We, you and I, can find a small speck of joy or simple positive thinking in the deepest of life's challenges.

Grief, in any form, is natural. 

You have the personal right to adjust, to find relief.

You're allowed to change your focus to a positive life movement. Society no longer dictates a specific time or dress for mourning. 

Grief. Mourning. Adjusting. Living. 

It's true life is never the same .

It's true life would never be the same any way.

Boomers Facing Strike Three

Brooke Barley recently wrote an article in yahoo finance. 

Let's have a "generational conversation" with proof Seniors "giving up" their homes benefits both the seller and buyer.

Some are Millenials, but their ranks are being quickly overtaken by many Gen Z's who begin their ascent complete with "acquiring" and "accumulating", believing they can do it all in a short time "resting on their laurels" forevermore.

Today's "rising stars" believe what they hear from the pulpits of the internet with thousands of Influencers now making their living giving some FREE and some PAID advice to anyone who clicks onto their site.

It's like going into a Supermarket after shopping at a local market -- so many choices, so little time.

WHO IS THAT PERSON AND WHY DO YOU LISTEN? 

She/He looks nice; is funny; reminds me of myself; I kinda feel sorry for them with all they're told me about their life challenges; what they said makes sense to me but then they know more than I do; what's the harm in listening, using time I have anyway. . . 

Tik Tok or Tick Tock, time is finite and children today are being told they can have more by "taking shortcuts" and by using "tools" to give more time for other "activities" -- all those online games and videos, for example.

What's being retained and what's being seen as not necessary because change is so fast learning a system or procedure isn't needed -- at such a young age?

How are we teaching learning and reason? What are the standards and who makes the rules & regs?

Are 16 year olds allowed to drive capable of running a school? 

If a school, why not a business -- I know, some are, however, as it's been for decades, there are always those "early bloomers" among the many "late".

Influencers? They or who they watch and listen to?

Prior generations saw the youngest as being the most malleable and it was they who were conscripted, sent to work in mines, chosen to serve others.

Have we truly stepped beyond and believe aging is losing and youth is gaining?

What if the "learned", the "experienced" simply sat down and stopped being at the front, in the lead?

Who can describe the chaos and frustration that would prevail?

Take away wisdom and you have chaos.

Now, about Ms Bailey. . .

When it comes to validating someone who has no "presence" on line -- not even in LinkedIn where most professional people appear -- why read what this person writes much less "follow"?

You decide, readers, are we going back to the ancient sport of throwing someone into an Arena telling them to fight to the end?

Maybe the writer has a "disjointed" family and doesn't want to "support" the elderly's rights to retain; possibly believes they should pay for all "family vacations" and "give away now' everything of value because "they never use it".

From generations who valued to those who covet. 

From children who protected to those who divide and take before it's their time.

Gen X was truly the first "entitled" of those who were "common" if not "born into" position, money, privileges.

Early Boomers lived in a Developing World where TV was new, lasted only a couple of hours each day, Kid's programs were so few you could count them on one hand and you only saw "local programs" until alliances and abilities were formed.

Whoa! First pitch and it's a foul ball. Using Stats from 2019. It's mid 2024 five year old Stats in this area are obsolete.

When I debated in High School and College I would have endured "shameing" for old, irrelevant information. 

She has the world at her fingertips and some far more advanced resources from more than just her "local area".

I had to physically go to the Main Library and research without the aid and assistance of AI, find and know the "reliable" and "honest reporting" resources -- not just read and regurgitate.

In today's world, Stats are gathered by highly reputable resources, on line through these same libraries who've chosen to continue to provide factual resources. 

Far easier to find, copy and paste -- set aside those 'yellow" resources and cite the real experts known for decades.

We live in a fast paced, high tech world where Stats are constantly being generated and by some significantly reliable and accurate resources far more reliable than a company looking to continuously "build online because it is ONLINE"

It "proved a point to be made" even if it is "cold stats" being used? Not in today's world and not in yesterday's.

Let's treat telling Seniors to "Get Out" because younger generations want/need a "home", not an apartment, not a condo, not a rental, by it's real "purpose", home ownership.

For Seniors, this "forcing a particular move" is like a Baseball Game.

First Pitch, Low and outside: STRIKE 1 -- Many boomers are "house poor," meaning they've bought a home that prohibits them from affording much outside of paying for that property with increases based on "cost of living" for an "average family".

Pitcher ready to go for second strike, signal sent -- high maintenance means you should "downsize".

Batter steps aside, moves around, hits bat against shoes: shows decades of hard work, family responsibilities, saving less spending more, looking forward to paying off mortgage -- transportation, taxes, food, utilities, College for kids . . . 

Referee steps in -- moves the bag, repositions, removes for a short time to examine, replaces, moves batter's positioning, everyone tries to adjust.

Methinks Ms Barley needs a few lessons in Statistic/Fact citing.

Boomers may live in homes with "high maintenance" but they didn't originally buy a home worth hundreds of thousands and even approaching even higher in "value".

Boomers footed the bill for taxes for NEWER and TECH CENTERED Public Schools -- even if their kids went to a private school because "their kids" deserved better and more.

Taxes for many services they no longer use, if they ever did, based on an "inflated" value they probably won't receive due to all the "closing costs" and "moving costs" and just plain "costs".

As for being prohibited from affording much outside paying for the property -- it's a lot better than forking over several thousands of dollars each month to live in a shared room with only a bed, possibly a chair and a part of a hanging space/closet, a few drawers AND A SHARED BATHROOM.

Your competitors are the large entities buying homes and renting them OR entering them into the "new system" as " Vacation Rentals".

SHOWER? Down the Hall. Nope, can't use without staff. 

Hair washed? That's extra. So is everything you'd "like".

What about all these "amazing new residences for Seniors"?

Many come with multiple thousands a month "living expenses"  and require the "resident" to have specific capabilities constantly needed to be proven. Couples? Maybe. Perhaps. Not always. 

Pets? Please! Cat or Dog or Bird -- maybe a "Group" will visit with some "older animals" who are capable of being pet by so many hungry for personal contact even for a few minutes.

HOUSES WORTH MILLIONS?  

Sounds like a lot, right? 

So who's inflating the value, buying at outrageous inflated pricing that once "the ball starts rolling" it takes a major setback to get any slight, let alone, major reduction. 

YOU ARE!

Simple Business Math: Supply and Demand. Look it up. 

We put in the sweat and even the tears and you want to reap benefits we can continue to use but you believe you deserve?

Old words describe today's practices: Envy & Greed.

Put in lots of work, maintenance, upkeep, repairs, replacements, siding, roof, new gutters, furnace, windows and floors.

Updates and full removal of bathrooms and kitchens, walls and doors, electric and gas furnaces and cooking -- totally new Kitchen, lighting.

TAXES!  REPAIRS!  MAINTENANCE! REPLACEMENTS.

That's the challenge seen when a "writer" who should be writing Fantasy and Fiction writes about the "real world".

The practice of Communication has moved into Demanding.

Today all ages believe they have something "valuable" to say.

It's easy to post on line and so they do it constantly.

No thought to what energy or resources are being used.

WASTE NOT -- WANT NOT. 

These were directives of the daily lives less than a Century ago.  

They had shortages and it was of concerns where money would come from for the ever increasing and escalating "cost of living".

Why? Because producers of everything this generation was also taught to "want' kept them running after the carrot and chasing rainbows.

Today's it's not just how much you "have", the focus of the generations following Boomers, it's about how much you can create, how often you can text, or how many pictures you can post.

We're not using "electricity" so what difference does it make?

YOU ARE USING TIME, ENERGY and do you think it's thin air that's transporting your minute to minute can't keep your mouth closed or your life to yourself?

HAVE TO SHARE.  HAVE TO BE THE FIRST. JUST ... HAVE TO!

Raise those numbers, think about getting "paid' for what used to be gossip, heresy and even conjecture 

TABLOIDS REPLACED BY INTERNET SHORT CLIPS WITH NO VERIFICATION FOR ACCURACY OR EVEN TRUTH.

Congrats! You and your close predecessors have jumped on the human bandwagon of believing NOT TO PUBLISH IS TO PERISH.

GENERATIONS WHO SERVED, FOUGHT, DIED FOR AND WATCHED AS THOSE "PULLING UP THE REAR" DROPPED THE REINS, LOST CONTROL AND POINTED THE FINGER--

And, yes, we died for you. People always forget Korea & Vietnam.

We lost fathers, uncles, cousins and family friends from results of WWII and at the Twin Towers and a field in Pennsylvania --to give you Freedom, Choice and the ability to work with and care about. 

You don't wait for "your number" to come up. Many of you feel no "responsibility"for sacrifices made. Entitlement is your focus.

Not all of you, but far too many, raise voices believing YOU are better than, smarter than, and younger than -- and reach your full hand into every part of life believing whatever you see, whatever you touch, "appeals to you",  SHOULD BELONG TO YOU.

Those "old people" spent decades working. 

You believe arriving 5 minutes past a "start time" is "your privilege".

Not only do you "want" our homes, you believe we should provide family vacations without your paying your share.

We gave you educational opportunities, sport events, extra curricular activities, Summer Camps, Hockey/LaCrosse/Baseball and Football, trips to the Beach and the Mountains with sports and activities . . .

We wanted you to have a "better life", one we never had: paid bills to provide this all the way through college.

Read and weep for yourselves moving into a future where you'll face disappointment constantly because you've never learned to be patient, be considerate and to value and honor our aging.

Isolation & Shelving Feeds Dementia

What if some of the "problems" of Alzheimers and other forms of Dementia were discovered to be more social rather than physical?  

Cultures other than the American system of caring for the elderly have provided evidence many behaviours and actions can be managed without drugs or "shelving" people in an institution.

Understanding which parts of the Disease are manageable and moving to ensure resources are available is critical. 

This includes activities both mental and physical are provided in Adult Day Care Centers and ESPECIALLY in Long Term Care Facilities which generally shelve or "park" people with Dementia at certain levels or stages.

Why aren't we cross applying findings in medicine and behavioural studies to benefit Dementia patients?

Touch. Many of our elderly go from day to day only experiencing the touch of another human being providing necessary medical procedures or daily life skill assistance.

These times of "touch" can be more beneficial if the procedure is done in a caring and patient centered way. Unfortunately, observations have been the usual "interplay" is one of get it done as quickly as possible, with as little time as possible and no time to interact or talk directly to the individual to prepare and to encourage.

I've seen more caring from the receptionists and cleaning/maintenance staff at Mom's SNC than I have from most of the CNA's, LPN's, the RN and the Adminisrtative Staff at the facility.

How long would a baby, infant or child survive and how greatly would they thrive if we denied this comforting human interaction?  

Remember the children adopted from foreign countries who were isolated, denied human kindness/touch? How difficult was it for adopting parents and for the children? 

WHY AREN'T WE WRITING ABOUT OUR ELDERLY and how they're being shelved and greatly ignored all in the name of "care management" designed for the benefit of the facility and not for the benefit of the individual resident.

Speech. How often does someone sit and talk or involve more than one person in a conversation -- even if the majority of the talk is done by the "caregiver"? 

Visiting A Loved One. Look around, say "Hello", stop a moment to talk. Give the gift of a moment of time so valuable to those for whom time seems to be never ending between times of human contact.

Recognize the humanity of all with whom you come in contact while visiting a loved one in a facility. Spend a moment and give someone the greatest gift -- human interaction.

Most "interaction" at Mom's facility has a purpose -- analyzing and charting. 

If someone doesn't want to participate in the group activities at Mom's center, they become more isolated. 

When I visit I see many people who barely get out of their rooms and who are becoming more and more "dependent". 

Some may have mental challenges but many of those seem to have "developed" with the systems and procedures used in the facility.

One dog and one cat live at Mom's facility.  The dog is older and very set in his ways. He used to take the elevator, go to various floors and "roam". Now, he lays around, has put on lots of weight and often moves away when people approach him or sleeps most of the time. 

The cat is "isolated" in the Activities Room so only those people who visit that room get any interaction and she, too, is a loner (typical, I realize of cats). 

Occasionally a couple of dogs are brought in to "visit" residents and you can see the joy in the Resident's eyes and in their bodies. 

They virutally light up and wait patiently hoping the dog will be brought to see them. 

A few residents have family members who bring in dogs to visit. Unfortunately, these dogs often don't see anyone but their owners and I understand they're not all "trained" to accept other people.

What's needed is more frequent interaction of residents and animals.

Humans thrive using our senses. When they're deprived or eliminated, at any age, our body functions are greatly affected along with our brains. It changes our personality, our outlook, our behaviour.

Let's find more ways to give Seniors interaction with humans and pets. Let's stimulate their brains, their positive emotions and build healthier lives for all.

It's A Dog's Life in many LTC's

Visited Mom's old facility.. 

Calendar showed three days of "Seated Activities". 

Sit. Stay. Good resident.   

It's a Dog's Life for many.

All the "activities" in the lower level Activity Room are board games and "sit down" games, or Seniors can visit the resident cat and now the resident rabbit who takes up a major part of the room in a cage.

You can watch the resident dog as he waddles here and there. 

He's quite old now. Just like many of the others living here.

Great to have animals around but where are the spaces for Adult Movement Activities? 

Oh, that's right. they have the "dining area". 
Just move aside the chairs and tables. 

They can't? Well, someone will .... when they have time ... or when they "think" to "organize" a "class".

Where can residents "work out"? 

They need a medical script requiring Physical Therapy.

This is a Long Term Care Facility. 

By law, in most states, it's a "medical facility".

They have "their own" medical staffs although not consistently.

The residents are considered "patients".

Distribution of "meds" is a daily routine. 

Many arrive with a few and soon have multiple.

No one counts the number of "mind numbing" and "life slowing"

medicines given to "keep Mom and Dad moving slowly".

Easier to control and manage by low staff levels.

Interesting how we believe movement is key to continued good health and then we "lock up" parts of our society and take away any and all real physical activity believing they will fall, they will have problems they cannot and will not ..... etc.

Staffing costs money that eats into profits for the "investors".

This is not a "service", it's an "investment" requiring positive returns.

Where's the library with books and computers? There is none. 

A few books are displayed in the "living room" on a shelf.

Decorations mostly, across from the "entry desk" in sight of "friends and relatives" arriving and departing.

Safety and Security? That requires staffing and additional cost.

Walk right in. Go wherever you want. 

People are supposed to check-in but that's seldom what happens.

Often without personnel so anyone can "get in".

One book where people sign in and out with times.

No tracking of who's visiting to see who comes and goes.

The only computer is in a room reserved for "staff meetings", "family" conferences and occassionally reserved for a resident's birthday with family/friends. 

The computer is "out of bounds". 

Not to be used or touched except by staff.

Residents are seen as "too old" to use "technological equipment".

Facilities practice the old saying:

"You can't teach an "old" dog "new" tricks.

Question: If a two year old can use a cell phone to play games and explore why can't an eighty two year old do the same?

Provide one for Mom/Dad? Unfortunately theft is also high.

At Mom's old facility, anything that involves some or more involvement by staff just isn't  "feasible", isn't considered or is negatively presented. 

Depending on the medical conditions and judging from the few people who use the "Main Dining Room", it's a handful who can get into the area since all use walkers or wheelchairs.

Wheelchairs that need someone to push or movement of huge wheels keep people from "exploring" or as the facility says, "wandering'.

Once in a while the local "book mobile" comes by. 

It parks outside. You have to be mobile to visit and it requires a "step up" which few can do. Doesn't anyone think about these "barriers"?

In the "fireplace room" just off the reception area where there's a couch, some chairs and where some residents and many "visitors" spend time especially when the weather isn't good for going outside, the low seating couches and chairs require assistance by a second person and are seldom used by residents.

Instead, they sit in wheelchairs. 

Moved from place to place. 

Few with strength to "move the large wheels.

There they sit for hours on end.

Oh, and there are "favorites". 

Usually women who "join projects" or show participation.

My friend, Carol was one for a very long time.

She "posed" for pictures showing the "social times" and promoting the facility to the outside world.

There are two bookcases with donated books. 

A few are Large Print. 

I've only seen a handful of residents ask about the books. 

Most probably don't realize they could ask to read them. 

They look like decoration, not for reading.

Magazines? NO.  Newspapers. NO.

It's assumed at Long Term Care Facilities that the residents are beyond the ability to move except with a walker.

Almost all use wheelchairs or Gerry Chairs (where they sit/lay and have little attention).

They enter the facility walking and quickly realize, like children, they do what they're told, how and when they're told not asking questions.

There are three levels of "Senior Living" -- Independent, Assisted and Long Term Care in Missouri but only one, Long Term Care qualifies to have Medicaid beds.

Long Term Care is defined in Missouri as needing certain amounts and levels of "personal assistance in daily life" and there are qualifications regarding ability to move independently that can disqualify a person from LTC. 

Upstairs, on the third floor, a TV is turned on. 

Some sit and watch. Others sit and stare. 

Staff "chose" what's on TV and sometimes that choice isn't a good one for those with memory loss, sight problems, hearing problems or who may be experiencing mental processing challenges. 

For the Staff, it's a great way to have your afternoon soap opera and work while watching.

There is little or no stimulation, activity, exercise that really moves the body and the mind.

Only those who are "mobile" on their own or who are a "favorite" get to the "lower level" activities.

Do you go to a Gym? Do you workout? Do you walk or swim? 

We're told every day how important walking and movement are, how challenged our bodies become including the internal organs when we sit all day.

So what do we do in Long Term Care?

We treat movement as dangerous. We slow down the body and cause more challenges as we practice lethargy rather than encourage movement. But....that would mean more staff....more expense...and there are no rewards for lifestyle improvement in Long Term Care Facilities from Insurance companies as there is in the "real world".

We take away "hazardous" walkers. Why not invent safer ones?

THERE!  Yes, you Entreprenuers and Small Business people. The market is out there; the need is growing every day. 

Invent. Create &  above all CARE about those who are where YOU will be .. sooner than you think.