Hidden Away In Plain Sight

Dementia is challenging for everyone. 

If you live together, concerns focus on "who" you're living with today.

If they're living in a special environment, you carry the concern when you visit and when weather or circumstances block your visiting. 

It's often like an emotional ferris wheel, one day they're up, the next they're down and you never know how far in either direction.

Today, not tomorrow, if you have a loved one, create a Power of Attorney for Health Care WITH THEM and make several copies ensuring you have one in your phone and one in your loved one's file with their primary care Doctor if you plan to use their services as Dementia advances. Carry it with you at all times!

Marriage and relationships where it's your Mom or Dad, your Sister or Brother, Aunt or Uncle, do not carry any weight even if "they" want you to help them, be their eyes and ears, you will need that paperwork.

I've heard horror stories about "discord" in families and spouses being told they had no "rights" if they didn't have the paperwork.

We learned the hard way, caring for a loved one who lives with you is easier than in another residential environment.

We had no intention of Mom going into a "Senior Residence" aka Long Term Care. Our plan was to live together, as we had for four decades, through to her time when she would leave our family forever.

Our plan was usurped by a woman with other 'intentions". You can read about the ordeal we went through in other Blog Entries"

Remember, also, time and circumstance can cause complications in the best of plans. Have another family member (or friend) of another generation or age group as a "secondary" and even multiple family members designated for specific areas like medical, home maintenance, sales of real estate and or valuables, end of life planning.

Dementia is not "one size fits all". Even if you have lived with someone for decades, you'll possibly see behavior changes as more frequent experiences. 

Sometimes it's medications; don't write everything off to"Dementia".

One friend has a husband who wants to talk and be heard -- sometimes for hours on end. She has activities, interests that are full time and involved. Even though she worked in highly responsible jobs requiring extensive time and capability, "he" sees her "being around the house" where she now bases as much of her business as possible, as being "always available to give him full and constant attention".

It's not always about finances, it's about being "on demand" and for women it's like returning to having an infant, toddler or young child who wants "your" attention and may even sulk, stomp away or cry--just as a child who needs to be "front and center" in your world.

In these times, remember the past filled with absences, need to work, travel for business, not able to attend School functions, missing the actual date of an Anniversary needing to be across country or around the world -- for the "wish" it wasn't that way.

Life happens, we call it "controls" when actually they're choices made yesterday or years ago, believing they were "for the best" now showing signs of tarnish and soon become unused or even useless.

Look for the patina showing through in unexpected times. Value what exists, remains, is shown. 

Remember. it's not choice driving the person, it's often misconnected memories and recalled actions. 

Our mind stores many years of life experiences and actions.

The mind "confused" by Dementia, may not have the ability to "sort through" or "find" applicable or even acceptable words or actions.

Caregivers: Remind yourself this is someone who loved and was loved, struggled and overcame many life challenges, fought for right and justice, gave of their time and money, put others above self.

They are there, standing, sitting, even laying in a bed, before you.

Time spent today isn't yesterday but for loved ones it's as valuable.