Self Centered Parenting

Retire. Retry. Redo.                                                                                         Rewind. Recreate. Recraft.

Life's simply a journey, from beginning to end.

Time can be a weapon, time can be a friend.   

Putting in time doing what others tell you to do . 

To earn time for what you want, it's true!

Grandkids in the picture? 

Kids live far away?                 

Visits “on screen” give moments on occasional days.                        

They grow older and we feel drawn to connect.              

What did you fill their minds with that’s so incorrect?          

You can’t control them forever. False info will collapse.                         

With minds of their own they'll see and they'll ask.

Grandparents abused by those who gained so much.

Fortunately have others to love and to touch.

Two are out, three more to go.

Each day they become, soon they will know.   

When will YOU grow up, how old will you be?

Will I still be here or will he and will she? 

Give it a chance. Give it your all!                               

Whatever you do, try never to “fall”.                

They hold you above when you've stood down below.     

How will they react when they truly know?      

Your day is coming and your time is near.   

What you've done unto others will bite you in the rear.

Time waits for no one, especially me.    

I’ll extend my hand, my heart and let’s see --

If each has the courage to connect with -- me.

One by one they grow older each day.                                                

Your influence and control wanes in so many ways.                   

It’s not being stubborn, it’s truth taking too long:                       

False accusations, actions meant to wrong.                                 

You both stand in the darkness embracing its call.                              

Sadly unable to see yourself fall.                                                       

You lit fires and sewed seeds. . .                                                     

Never aware of the weeds.                                                             

We’ll create a lifeline.We’ll somehow connect.                                 

You can’t control them forever, as much as you try.                   

And if you do succeed, one belief still applies:                                   

We’ll meet in due time, on the other side.                                               

Death Talk

Moms, Dads, kids, have “the talk”.

Gram/Gramps/Someone With Life Threatening Challenge

No mention how death pays frequent visits.

Doesn't always come late in life.

How often will Death visit?

Even with our great medical discoveries, Death finds a way to knock on doors in other ways.

We get news someone passes

Told of plans and make those of our own

Decades of family yet never really knowing

The depth of their life,  

Walking away. Believing “duty” performed.

Check off one more “to do”.

Sigh of relief it’s finally done.

 

Who talks to us about the “Big D”

As we run through life looking when we can’t see.

 

Who cares if we move backwards not forwards?

Struggling with an opponent holding all the cards.

 

Unnoticed. Unrecognized. Unwanted.

Why? When? How? 

 

“I think therefore I am” runs through yesterday’s mind.

“What was I thinking about……” now rings in our ears.

 

You can do this. You’ve always done this. 

Please, just try. Please . . . just . . . try . . . 

 

Arms and hands,Legs and feet.

MOVE! When I ask you. . . MOVE! When I need.

 

Where am I going?  Where have I been?

Why do I want to? When I’m not sure I can.

 

A lifetime focused on others, especially you

Now I need your focus and you need your “you”

 

You look into my life

You measure and judge

 

So she drank alcohol . . .

When pills were generously offered

 

My Gen opened a bottle,

Yours prefers needles and pins

 

Work it out, work it off

Always “yours” to measure out

 

You push and shove to climb and gain

Then turn around to face personal shame

Loss of time, feeling pain

 

Let Me Be!  She's coping when you’re not near

She lives with constant concern and sometimes with fear

Not necessarily about the end, about the journey there

 

Come and Go. Sit and Stay. 

Tomorrow’s questionable. There’s just today.

 

Yes, I know, you don’t approve

Who’s life is it, if I may be so “crude”?

 

I’m nearing the end and you want me to say

It’s just another one of those gone again days

 

I’ll know when it’s time; It’s easy to find

It’s all in my body – and in my mind.

 

Isn’t it what you want?

Isn’t it what you need?

 

You find ways when you want 

You walk away when you can’t 

 

HEAR “ME”. SEE “ME”

I am here. Have been. Will be. 

WILL YOU . . . for me?

CRITICAL INFO: Medicare/Medicaid State Operations Manual

Attending a meeting of a group I started at Mom's facility, a Family Council, family members expressed many of the same concerns, problems and issues we faced during Mom's two year stay. (Note: Written in 2014. Shows my positive involvement for decades and sadly how after ten years we're still struggling with the same challenges.)

New Administration in now for almost two years; new food service just put in place. What's changed? From visiting, observing and now listening to family members, very little. In fact, in some areas it's getting more challenging for residents and their families.

With this in mind, decided to go back through my dozens of files on information concerning Rights of Individuals living in facilities and putting them here, on this blog, hoping more people in the United States will be drawn to reading small sections and passing this blogsite and its information along to friends and families.

SUGGESTION:  Make a list of these Rights by exact entry, number and quote the verbage as it is written. Your voice has more meaning when you use this approach. Copy it down, don't depend on memory; carry this one and the others I'll write about with you. When needed, you'll have them with you.

APPRECIATE GREATLY THOSE WHO "LIKE" THE BLOG AND "FOLLOW" US. (Note: There were a handful compared to today, May 2024. I am so amazed to see how people around the world are reading and sharing with others)

As we age we all face a time when we will be "taken care of" by someone other than ourselves. We may need to live in a facility. That place should be safe, welcoming, and provide safety, security and compassion.

This entry begins an overview of areas I've found highly important for those who walk the road of responsibility working with or managing the care of a loved one living in a facility.

You can access the manual  Transmittals PP by going to the following site location. Just checked and it's been updated!
http://www.cms.gov/Regulations-and-Guidance/Guidance/Manuals/downloads/som107ap_pp_guidelines_ltcf.pdf

It's a few hundred pages long and a great reference.  As time passes, these entries may contain additions or deletions, there may be more sections. Please check for the latest information if this is blog is being read far past the posting date of 11-07-14. 

(Wow!  Ten years ago I hoped my voice would be heard. It's now early May 2024, the future and over 67,000 views.

Here's to 100,000+ with your help, my continued ability to seek, find, attend conferences and meetings and share so you and others have the ability to see what's available, what needs change and how you and your loved one can move through the challenges of Dementia.

CHALLENGE:  In facilities, it's mostly verbal communication. Even though they're required by law to keep written records, during visits and at Resident Care Planning meetings we did not receive any written report, everything was verbal.

What's your experience? Reminds me to find a way to put a Poll on this site. Learning as I go. 

P.S. Creating a NEW Blog Site where we'll have the ability to communicate and more info can be shared.

Here's the exact citation from the Medicare/Medicaid State Operations Manual governing ALL the United States as linked above:

#1  Resident and/or Legal Representative has/have the right to access by verbal request all records. FACILITY CANNOT MANDATE A WRITTEN REQUEST

Why do you think this is important, verbal being enough to obtain records? Possible physical challenges limiting ability to write; eyesight challenges or other limitations often come with aging.      
                Limited abilities should not limit accessibility.

§483.10(b)(2) -- The resident or his or her legal representative has the right-- 

1. Upon an oral or written request, to access all records pertaining to himself or herself including current clinical records within 24 hours (excluding weekends and holidays); and (ii) After receipt of his or her records for inspection, to purchase at a cost not to exceed the community standard photocopies of the records or any portions of them upon request and 2 working days advance notice to the facility.

Interpretive Guidelines §483.10(b)(2)

An oral request is sufficient to produce the current record for review."

********IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER FROM ABOVE************

(1) oral OR written request for access to records

(2) access MUST BE granted within 24 hours --

                        (excluding weekends and holidays)

(3) AFTER receipt of records for inspection, to purchase at a reasonable community standards (think library copying or Office Supply Store) standard photocopies of the records OR ANY PORTION of them

(2) 2 working days advance notice

PLEASE NOTICE:  There is no time of day/night specified allolwance for your completion of your examination. 

UNLESS THERE ARE OTHER FEDERALLY  OR STATE MANDATED LIMITATIONS, you have the right to review these documents (1) more than once (2) on a basis of multiple days.

THE CHALLENGE. Unless you request "all records" and include any "historical records on file obtained from outside sources" or specify exact types of files, reports, papers, you may be given whatever the facility "wants you to have" and claim those are the "records".

RESIDENTS AND LEGAL REPRESENTATIVES:  You have the right to request a formal, written copy of the resident's Care Plan and any and all reports that directly affect decisions made by the facility on that Care Plan.

CHALLENGE:  Discovering what records are kept by their "in house" name or "State Required Title". 

Another quest as I move forward sharing and opening doors.

TO PROTECT OUR SENIORS, to judiciously manage their care, to ensure effective use of funds through systems we all pay for -- Medicare and Medicaid -- more effective record keeping and sharing should be a top priority.

Question: Did you know you, the resident, or the appointed representative and/or both, can review and determine and consult outside of the facility or get another opinion (probably at your own expense, but you have that choice; check your medical coverage) concerning the Care Plan.

KEEP THOSE COPIES. They're valuable papers in understanding treatment and progressions or regressions.

MY GOAL:  A COMMUNITY WORKING TOGETHER.

My writing, your reading and for those of you who choose, your submissions of additional information, will protect our loved ones when we cannot be with them, and ourselves, as we age and move through various life challenges and stages of life.

A Sincere Thank You For Sharing This Blog With Others

The Dementia Talk

 Moms, Dads, kids, have “the talk”.                                           Once in a lifetime? Perhaps more than once?

Walking away. Believing “duty” performed.

Check off one more “to do”.

Sigh of relief feeling it’s done.

 

Who talks to us about Dementia?

As we run through life looking only ahead.

 

Who cares if we move backwards not forwards?

Struggling with an opponent wanting only to win.

 

Unnoticed. Unrecognized. Unwanted.

Why? When? How? 

 

“I think therefore I am” runs through yesterday’s mind.

“What was I thinking about……” now rings in our ears.

 

You can do this. You’ve always done this. 

Please, just try. Please . . . just . . . try . . . 

 

Where am I going?  

Where have I been?

Why do I want to?   

Why should I care?

 

Leave me alone. 

Isn’t it what you want?

Isn’t it what you need?

 

HEAR “ME”. SEE “ME”

 

I am here. Have been. Will be. WILL YOU?

 

 

 

Mother's Day Without Mom

Mom laid on the bed, the uncomfortable, hospital bed, without anyone in the Long Term Care facility caring enough to provide her with a more comfortable last earthly place of rest. 

Bethesda would not allow us to have "Hospice" unless we chose "their Hospice".  They refused (now know they can't) allowing us to select our Hospice provider. In critical times, thinking rationally and constructively sometimes is forgotten.

To the very last it was all about "how much could they make", never what could they provide for her journey.

Daughter and I found a small area on each side of her and as our bodies touched, we felt the warmth slowly subsiding even though Mom's hands were continuously moving. 

We'd seen those movements hundreds of times as she prepared with us for guests, family and friends, to arrive for life celebrations and just ordinary visits. We were a multi-generational family from the time our first born was just a few months old  -- over 40 years.

Only daughter and my each taking a hand, holding it lovingly in ours and telling Mom/Grandma, "It's all right, you've finished the work you've wanted and needed to do. You can go now." 

"You're looking forward to being with family and friends," seemed to provide the release she needed to leave this world and our family unit.

Mom's hands were active to the very last breath she took.

No one came to counsel us, checks on her were few and far between, they were simply waiting for what was "inevitable" -- and then there was the movement of her remains without any consideration for how it affected anyone experiencing and witnessing the "procedure".

SO COLD. SO UNCARING. Just another death for the facility. 

To be expected? She was "old". Was it really "her" time? 

Or was she no longer "useful" to the facility and to society who both determined the level of "caregiving" to be given and how it affected the bottom line when they controlled the pursestrings.

My husband was given a special mattress when he was in the hospital; but this place, this uncaring place where most turned away and just "let it happen" while providing for those who "paid extra" by using their facility's "Hospice Care" were accorded the privacy of a special room.

Mom was on Medicaid, as thousands who "live beyond" life years expectation and their savings or other "convertible assets" find their journey. 

Our older population is being characterized as a  "burden to society" as they no longer produce "income", do a society's measureable amount of "work", or serve any "recognizable purpose".  

In reality, they valiantly lived through times and ways of life their Great and Great Great Grandchildren refuse to tolerate and even demonstrate and become activists for causes and beliefs.

From Politics to Home Ownership -- our "Elders" are being told to GET OUT, MOVE OUT, you're "useless". 

Shades of generations ago in less civilized societies. 

It's now 2024, we said our last goodbye to Mom in January, 2014. 

Looking back. I realize there was more I should write . . . this entry and several others I started. . . . and then life...as always...seemed to move me away; need to survive, to cope, to adjust, became the focus. 

For those who walk directly alongside on the journey from where we are to where we go, the road is filled with so many variations from smooth surfaces to huge potholes, from high visibility to dead stops due to impossibility to see where you're going.

Some say when they hear she died going into her 100th year how "fortunate" she was to have lived so long. Mom's life was filled with challenges and obstacles, born into a family that eventually had eleven children, ten of who would survive late into life. 

Mom and her family members gave of themselves, the greatest gift we have, for others, in service to our Country, on the front lines and on the  assembly line making parts and pieces and taught us the ways to ensure we value the world around us, natural and human made.

All the boys, six of them, served in the Military, one landing on Omaha Beach and others also "at the front"; the youngest "not allowed" to enlist, went to Canada to protect the Border and served with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

In those times, most children were fortunate to attend school until 8th grade and if they made it the full last year, they were very fortunate. There were four girls, five actually, one died as a baby, and Mom was the second oldest with two younger sisters.

Then it was "out to work" to help the family. Mom's older sister by ten years, "Tillie", really Matilda but that wasn't what she wanted to be called, had moved to the other side of the Mississippi River to the very BIG CITY of St Louis and into the State of Missouri from Illinois.

Mom followed and they both worked as Domestics, one of the few ways "country girls" could work; a hard life and one with long hours -- cleaning and cooking.  This was a "good job" for a thirteen year old where she could send money home to help care for her two younger sisters and one brother and share a place to live with Tillie and several others.

Duty and Service. Family and Country. 

During the War Mom worked for Carter Carburetor on their assembly line; a job where someone else controlled the speed of the always moving belt carrying machinery used for the War Effort    "Over There". Many injuries, long repetitive actions hours, few breaks

and always the concern to do more, faster, and with less.

I know Mom felt she was helping as many women did and trying to keep the wheels turning and the troops advancing so the day would come when the work would be done, World War II would be over, brothers, sons, uncles, friends would once again walk beside them.

She married "late in life" for the times, into her thirties. because of the War and few men of her age group "stayed behind". Mom met a divorced man. At her age this was common, not like today when marriage often occurs in later years.

I don't know what attracted her to him or IF she realized he was an alcoholic. Alcoholism was rampant among men yet never labeled for what it really was. 

Even into the 1950's, it was  a "personal problem" and one considered to be "of choice", when it was often used as a way to dull the senses, attempts to remove mental images and try to escape the never ending horrors many had seen or faced.

Dad had two children from his first marriage. I discovered this family history only through seeing a picture in an open drawer of him with another woman, a young boy and a young girl but never told about them and only realized what I'd seen decades later.

There was no Ancestry.com, no Internet and information was often hard to find and resided behind closed and often locked doors.

Because of the War and the economy, many men turned to numbing themselves with alcohol. 

My Dad's "brand" was Hill & Hill, a convenient "hip or breast pocket size bottle". Whiskey. The kind that many build a tolerance to and so it takes more and more to "have an effect".

Mom said something once about getting married to help "Joe" not have to return to military life as men in their forties even with children were being "re-enlisted" to replace so many who died on the fields of battle -- he was twelve or thirteen years older than Mom.

Conversations about these "subjects" were not for children and even when I was "old enough" I didn't ask questions, didn't want to "ask about the family history" knowing Mom's life and mine had been very traumatic as we lived in fear of Dad's temper when he drank.

Dad believed in "spare the rod and spoil the child" -- only it was his belt he used. 

He also believed (having come from a Catholic family) in punishing through having the "offender" kneel on hard floor surfaces -- never a carpet -- with stiff, straight posture ensuring the back never bent. 

I don't recall being forced to pray but Dad always sat in front of me, watching as he consumed drink after drink, almost waiting for me to move or start to collapse to show his "authority" through snapping the belt sometimes in front of me but almost always against my young body trying hard to withstand this form of "punishment" for whatever he'd decided was"wrong" at the time.

This was a practice of many households, even my Mom's, where her Dad, as many did, sat at the table with their belt handy, ready to raise it and apply it, for any real or perceived "error or omission".

Mom said she was sad to leave her Mom but looked forward to not having to be around her father. Then she stepped into the same "dictatorial" relationship when she married, Joe.

Mom's life was hard work and caring for and about her brothers and sisters. Her marriage went from bad to worse and she always told me the best thing about it was -- she had "me".

Another time I'll write about how we lived, how we fled a life of fear, ran in all directions trying to stay ahead of Dad's ability somehow to find us, stand outside where Mom worked and shout humiliating false accusations about her to anyone who walked by. Not now.

For now, it's about my mother's amazing hands and how they gave so much to so many.

Even on her deathbed, she was working, most probably helping in the kitchen, one of her favorite places to show her love for family and friends.

Perhaps she was cooking and setting a table to welcome all who came, who joined together for everyday and to celebrate life's milestones and memories.

It was time. She was ready. All preparations were made. 

Mom passed.

It wasn't a time we expected as she'd been in relatively good health for her age except for the Lewy Body Dementia we did not know about until the last few months after a hospital stay when she had a reaction to a drug she was given causing the Hospital to say "they thought she might have LBD". 

It was late 2013, the internet was in its infancy for research and content. Libraries didn't have information. True human connectivity would arrive years later and open our eyes and lives.

Dementia was lumped into that one word then and continues to be referred to as a "group" of  mental/physical" challenges just beginning to gain recognition as a medical condition that may be preventable as we have done with other "afflictions" causing pain and suffering.

LEWY BODY DEMENTIA ASSOCIATION:

https://www.lbda.org 

This secret thief of life has been recognized.

New possibilities and opportunities open doors and windows.

We can recognize this thief of mental ability, work to control and eventually eliminate its destruction and realize Dementia may be fully avoidable and at the very least managed as it develops.

Someone you know or you, will surely be exposed to this thief of mind and body functioning until we join together to learn, to understand, to eventually eradicate this destructive human condition.

READ.      LEARN.   UNDERSTAND.     ADVOCATE.

Life is a gift to unwrap in all its layers and folds to understand, learn and help one another with their journey and our own.

Another Predator Enters Our Family Life

May 2024. Ten years since Mom's passing 14 since husband's. 

Our journey was filled with medical and life interruptions looking back we should have seen as "signs".

Here & Now was just yesterday and will be tomorrow.

I've focused on bringing into the light and lives of people information from personal experience, challenges with the "system" in place, experiences, lessons learned then and now, still applicable and needing change.

How we can walk alongside loved ones, friends, family members and those we meet along life's path.

Currently I've been working for and with a relative who has their own version of "the Church Lady" 

A man, a neighbor, who saw an opportunity months ago when my relative's wife was diagnosed with Cancer and it was fast moving. 

Yes, please don't think a "predator" is one type or age. Male and female, young and old, can take advantage. Causing great loss and tremendous personal challenges.

It's a Jungle out there! Those who are weakened by physical, mental or emotional challenges are prey for those who see this as opportunity to gain for themselves. 

Putting on a mask of "wanting to help, being concerned" the fear of loss prominent with Cancer for her and medical challenges for him.

The "predator" steps up and "counsels" the already concerned and emotionally challenged with the BIG FEAR -- loss of everything they have TO OTHERS -- having to go into a facility and losing all assets including home, property, savings, etc.

All the while this stalker is gaining the confidence of the weakened and concerned Senior.

To me this is the lowest of the low but apparently others see this as taking advantage of an opportunity "they" want and need and this "older person" won't be around that much longer.

Some predators apparently believe they should "replace" a family member OR step into the line of succession acquiring assets because they've "performed a service" for the Senior.

Befriending for personal gain is a common practice. 

Influencing a Senior for personal gain  in times of severe life challenges is beneath being human. 

What can you do? Good question. 

One place is to go is to your local Ombudsman office. They vary in capability and capacity from State to State and can have different names, making it a little challenging to find.

Start there. Look for other Department of Senior Services and do not give up. It can be a complicated system, however, it's a human life, often of someone near and dear to you and worth the effort.

Just had a thought as I move down this Road I've decided to continue traveling. Can't say it will be tomorrow or even next week but with the help of my local Ombudsman and some other resources, perhaps I can share with you the opportunities and possibilities for you.

Noticed there have been "readers" of this Blog from around the world and I have no knowledge of what your country or area may offer or have available if any. 

ANNOUNCEMENT:  I'm looking to move this site because it's a limited format and there's so much more I believe can be included and offered with a more "open" Blog.

Hoping you'll join me on my journey and will find a way to let you know when this "dream", this "plan" becomes a reality.

Thank you. Appreciate your continuing visits and telling others about this journey I'm sharing hoping others will benefit.

Multi Gen One Home Living

Number of Americans who live in multigenerational family households is about four times larger than it was in the 1970's. while the number in other types of homes grew by far less. 

The share of the U.S. population living in multigenerational homes more than doubled over the past five decades.

Forty Years Living Together

Four decades creating a single family home for three generations 

Mom’s generation worked until they died and sometimes it happened in the field, the garden, the kitchen or the bedroom. 

Girls were trained to nurture and adapted to being trained to manufacture carburetors and even bombs.

Baby Boomers debuted into a Brave New World where women would eventually be treated almost equally and for some years have rights denied their Mothers.

Too chaotic for you and yours? Melding, merging, three generations. Who’s the “parent” and how does Grandma or Gramps “step back” or do they “step forward” and become the “enforcer”?

How many of you recall the saying of a few decades ago “It takes a village”?  In our community, we were the only ‘multi gen” family for a couple of decades.

 We’ve been in our current home, after moving around the country, since 1978 – over forty years. 

Just as we are redefining who each of us is or wants to be, we have the ability to choose how and with whom we want to live. MultiGen Living is a choice not many make.

Ever watch an orchestra being led by a conductor? Different instruments. 

Individuals with specific skill sets used in unique ways.

Instruments that could stand alone.

Together the range and scope of the music is wider, more complex and more interesting.

To us, it was natural. Mom was a beautician, she fell and broke her wrist, Dad was out of the picture years ago finally passed when I was going into my second semester at college from the alcoholic life he lived. 

It’s not for everyone just as some choose not to have children, some couples lead totally separate lives except they do it under one roof. 

Sources:  Retirement Living Sourcebook  

                Pew Research                                                              

 

 

Hidden Away In Plain Sight

Dementia is challenging for everyone. 

If you live together, concerns focus on "who" you're living with today.

If they're living in a special environment, you carry the concern of what you'll face when you visit and when weather or circumstances block your visiting. 

It's often like an emotional ferris wheel, one day they're up, the next they're down, never knowing how far in either direction.

Today, not tomorrow, if you have a loved one, create a Power of Attorney for Health Care WITH THEM.

Make several copies ensuring you have one in your phone and one in your loved one's file with their primary care Doctor if you plan to use their services as Dementia advances. 

Carry it with you at all times!

Marriage and relationships where it's your Mom or Dad, your Sister or Brother, Aunt or Uncle, do not carry any weight even if "they" want you to help them especially if their "cognition" is in question.

To be their effective eyes and ears, you need paperwork.

I've heard horror stories about "discord" in families and spouses being told they had no "rights" if they didn't.

We learned the hard way, caring for a loved one who lives with you is easier than in another residential environment.

We had no intention of Mom going into Long Term Care. 

Her plan and ours was to live together, as we had for four decades, through to when she would leave our family forever.

Our plan was usurped by a woman with other 'intentions". 

Read about the ordeal we went through in other Blog Entries.

Time and circumstance can cause complications in the best of plans. 

Have another family member (or friend) of another generation or age group as a "secondary".

If you are fortunate to have multiple family members in the medical, legal or other professions or abilities, designate each for areas of medical, home maintenance end of life planning.

Dementia is not "one size fits all". 

Even if you lived with someone for decades, you'll possibly see behavior changes more frequently

Sometimes it's medications; don't write everything off to"Dementia".

One friend has a husband who wants to talk and be heard -- sometimes for hours on end. 

She has activities, interests that are full time and involved. 

Even though she worked in highly responsible jobs requiring extensive time and capability, "he" sees her differently.

She's 'with" him and he wants/needs her to always be available to give him full and constant attention.

It's not always about finances, 

it's about being "on demand".

For many women it's like returning to having an infant, toddler or young child who wants "your" attention and may even sulk, stomp away or cry--just as a child who needs to be "front and center" in your world.

In these times, remember the past filled with absences, need to work, travel for business, not able to attend School functions, missing the actual date of an Anniversary needing to be across country or around the world -- for the "wish" it wasn't that way.

Life happens, we often call it "controls" when actually they're choices made yesterday or years ago, believing they were "for the best" now showing signs of tarnish and soon become unused or even useless.

Look for the patina showing through unexpected times.

Value what exists, remains, is shown. 

Remember. it's not choice driving the person, it's often misconnected memories and recalled actions. 

Our mind stores years of life experiences, actions.

The mind "confused" by Dementia, may not have the ability to "sort through" or "find" acceptable words or actions.

Caregivers: 

Remind yourself this is someone who loved and was loved, struggled and overcame many life challenges, fought for right and justice, gave of their time and money, put others above self.

They are there, standing, sitting, even laying in a bed, before you.

Time spent today isn't yesterday but for loved ones it's as valuable.