Wednesday, January 15, 2020

Odds Are There's Always One Spoiler In The Deck

As Parents, we're given one chance, one lifetime, to do "our job" of raising those helpless, dependable infants who arrive in our lives and over whom we have little to less control as the years pass.

I really thought, given the same parents, lifestyle, advantages and possibilities, the mold would shape each offspring similarly.

Didn't happen. Not surprised now that I'm into grandchildren.

People are different. What they experience, how they interpret life, decisions they make -- are variables.

We tried to "equalize" and ensure no child was "left behind"; there were no "perks" for one over another; each was encouraged in their unique or similar interests and abilities.

Then they were "grown"; developed; matured -- or at least in the ongoing process of each life step.

But how, some of us "parents" ask, can one be so "different" towards them as the "others". How can they talk about their life in our home and afterwards and twist truth about daily life -- as they "experienced" it.

Enter other influences. Especially those with the ability and capacity to "move" this once upon a time "family member" out, away from and beyond, even believing they'd had a "horrible, miserable and controlling" lifestyle BEFORE finding this person who put blinders on with nonremovable straps.

Watching our children grow, accept responsibility, move forward in creating their lives while maintaining connectivity and support of other family members, especially parents and grandparents -- is most people's "family dream".

What do you do when your son or daughter "turns" on you?

What do you do when they "mis" remember or choose to "twist" their lives and those of other family members to conform to what they believe NOW?

You honor their request even when it hurts you and others when the mandate is "no contact with the grandchildren".

Five years and counting. A new grandchild arrives; no announcement; no contact.

Wait! Intercession. Wife of other son asks "them" to come to their home while you're visiting. It's a long trip, you're only able to make it once a year. 

Concerned about meeting the youngest who was born after the "dictate" of their father regarding "no contact".

Concerned about the younger two and the older two -- you are almost speechless when the time arrives, they walk through the door, approach the chair where you're sitting and one by one, they lean over, hug you, you hug back, wanting to spend more time in that way but concerned about being "watched" and "measured" and "evaluated" not just by "him" but also by "her" and all you can say to each grandchild is "Any time", "Any time".

You wanted to talk with each one but fear if you do you'll have them removed from where you are and take them --- away-- so you hold back tears, of joy and sorrow, and simply say "Any time" -- meaning whenever they can, whenever they're able, they can connect with you.

You understand. None are "of an age" when they're not dependent on their parents. 

They don't understand this isn't the first time their father has "removed" connectivity -- not at all -- either three or four other times before -- I've lost count.

It isn't me. It's who I am. It wasn't his father or his grandmother or his sister. It's that we were his "family of the past" and he doesn't NEED OR WANT connectivity.....with reality....with reminders...with truth. And so he strikes out each time with the only weapon he believes will do the most harm, be the most hurtful -- as others don't seem to work.

When you learn of this "plan" for "re-meeting", you feel sick to your stomach worrying about how it will affect "the children" after so long a time without "talking with" their Nana and their Aunt.

How does your son who mandated and enforced this "no contact" ruling from his position of power and ability to control the minor children approach this meeting?

No way to know. Only to experience. To see how he and his wife "handle" the "meeting".

The hardest meeting was the "first" meeting of the youngest, now almost five, being told by his mother, "I want you to meet someone. This is your Grandmother." As if ... as if ...

What did his little mind think; how will he remember this meeting...will he's been many months and, of course, no other contact.

What brought on this "separation".... it started a few months after my husband's death...or the latest "separation", that is. 

The other times it was striking out at all the adults in the household: his father, myself and his grandmother -- although my son, of course, points the finger only at me now because I'm the only "adult at the time of his life" still living.

Writing about these family challenges is draining and brings up more than I can cope with in one sharing session.

It's a dark story. It's a sad tale of how a family that was so close for so long, started and continues a journey where deception, abuse and control are so prominent.

There's so much I don't understand how people can put on a "face" to the world while being so very different in who they are and how they treat others.

Enough for now. 

As I grow, as I go, I feel possibly sharing some of the "challenges" of these past years, especially those within the circle of the last years spent with my husband before and during his passing and my mother in the same way, will take my life's journey where it should go rather than where it's been directed by other forces.

I will also return to sharing information and enlightening about Elder Care, Dementia and Safety issues in Long Term Care at future times.

For now, looking from the present to the past I still believe it's been worth the journey, the effort and all of the challenges when two out of three are capable of loving and caring about those who loved and cared for them and do not share a life that includes exclusion, elimination and false, misleading and deceptive "rememberances", or at the least, very misinformed rememberances based on "retellings" of experiences by others with "life agendas" to be met.

No comments:

Post a Comment

We welcome your comments and any additional information we can research and pass on to others. Together we learn and grow.