Saturday, August 28, 2021

Death of a Loved One: A Lifelong Scar?

So many have come and gone since the deaths of my husband and then my mother as I look at a calendar for August 2021. Husband in January 2010 and mother in January 2014. 

So many changes, differences, accomplishments and achievements....positive and negative....in these ways it's life as it was becoming life as it's lived.

Looking at the dates and realizing that's four years in between even I see a length of time when it should have been a "pause" and movement towards a more "regular" time. It wasn't.

My recounting in this Blog has captured a thimblefull of the waterfall of life experiences and many challenges that seemed to be insurmountable yet we faced each one, my daughter and I, rowing the boat through one wave after another that started or grew to a tsunami size before we had a chance to prepare -- or thought we didn't.

Recently early one morning, daughter left for a day on a local river. Ever the mother, no matter what their age, I find words to express a little concern and a lot of love -- typical Mom stuff -- as she makes time to enjoy this special opportunity to be with friends. 

Swimming pools were not everywhere when I was young and so I never really learned to swim. I tried and made sure our three had swimming lessons and shared time with friends "on the water" and we took trips to beaches.

I "learned" to be around and sometimes in, but never really "took to" swimming pools, lakes and even the ocean. They can be beautiful, they can be treacherous, I love to look, admire and put a foot into but an avid swimmer I have no ineterest in being.

Events we experienced along the way, during and afterward; many still fresh and even influential in our life choices while others seem so far away, so distant and almost sureal.

How long has it been?  Really......? Or, That  Long ?!?  Family funeral on my husband's side and I'm surprised but then realize everyone's life takes different paths and only occassionally do we meet at a crossroads, like a family funeral.

Perspective. Compare it to if you're playing the music or listening -- most people don't pay attention to the individual notes, the notations written by the composer or even the exact nuances provided in the interpretation provided by the conductor. 

Those who participate in the action of the moment while it's happening and those who are most connected to the event are those who usually are the most influenced and affected.

Why is the death of a loved one like a lifelong scar?  It hurts when it happens, in the healing process there's concern for how long it will take, if it will ever heal completely and if it will someday be "unnoticeable".

The scar is a reminder. We choose how to see it and it will vary in appearance many ways many times as we move forward continuing our journey.  Some will change their lives completely and the scar will minimize or even seem to disappear. Others will carry it and it will grow more prominent as the days, months and years pass.  

Finding the balance in life with this time and what follows is the key to continuing moving towards carrying, shifting the load and moving positively onward.

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