Daughter and I have had several discussions about THE HEREAFTER.
Not THAT "hereafter", the one that comes day by day, sneaks up on you and suddenly plunges you into the "Big One" -- Advanced Age & It's Challenges.
And, most importantly, what do we do, what do "I" do, will decisions today be valid ten or more years from now?
How do I decide when to say "when" or "enough is enough" if I'm able and how can I give my daughter the confidence and knowledge while keeping with MY desires, my wants and my needs?
Maybe you've been with a friend or relative and heard "the talk".
The one about "what are we going to do about Mom, Dad, Aunt Mary who never married and has no children .....
There are old wives tales shared about "the elderly" and whispers and sometimes a comment form a son or daughter announcing they HAVE to take care of MOM, DAD, AUNT, UNCLE or OTHER and just don't know what to do, don't know what to say and most of all don't really want... THE JOB OF CAREGIVER.
Life is interrupted when you have your first child. Ask any new parent. It's changed .... forever.
When you care for a loved one who has a critical illness or who has reached an age/stage where more immediate supervision and oversight are needed or even just checking to ensure "certain things" aren't overlooked -- your life changes according to the amount of time and caregiving you have to/need to do.
Doesn't matter how many "children" there are to "care give" and how the tasks are "split up".
There is almost always some level of resentment, some level of feeling taken advantage of and some level of wishing "it would all be over" sooner rather than later because life doesn't prepare us and we can't anticipate the unexpected.
It might not be constant, it may not be consistent but adjusting, negotiating with "your" immediate family members while negotiating with your "previous immediate family members" is another "to do" in a life usually filled with kids, school, activities, appointments, work, responsibilities and trying to carve out a little "life" for YOU.
IF ONLY. If only we shared with one another more directly what care giving is, how and where EXACTLY to look for help and if it were as easy as finding where you take your driver's license exam.
Yes, there are organizations. Been there. Done that. Did that.
Most are directed to specific areas of support, concern or medical afflictions.
They try to help with pamphlets and books and even with "counseling" but they aren't the ones "in the trenches" and getting all this information at a critical time when decisions and plans need to be made IS NOT THE BEST PLANNING, NOT THE BEST TIMING AND NOT THE BEST LIFE TO LIVE FOR ANYONE.
MAKE TIME. TAKE TIME. LEARN AND TEACH your children and others to look for information and plan for aging as much as they're being directed to plan for Retirement with savings and legal directives.
You're never to young to go out on AARP's website.
It has a wealth of information on aging and MORE --
Remember, we all need to be interested in legislation, research and protecting all ages and stages of life!
Sunday, August 27, 2017
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Crossing Paths of Widowhood
Last time we were together was at her Retirement Party. Time before that was her husband's funeral; a death totally unexpected and sudden.
We'd exchanged a few on line messages but it had been two years since we'd actually spent some time together talking
I saw her across the room and thought, "she's changed" ... and "so have I".
Two widows who'd met serving as Board Members for an organization providing needed services to our growing Seniors population.
She was appointed, I was elected.
She represented a major company influential in providing services to the entire community while I was elected to represent primarily Seniors who used specific area Senior Centers funded by the State.
She's retired; I'm actively working.
My friend had news. She was moving to Florida. And, the big news, she was getting married again!
We have similar interests but we're also somewhat different.
I've not found a want or a need to consider finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm happy for my friend when I hear how her life changed when she lost her husband;
She'd taken her husband's death hard. She went to work, came home, fell in bed to sleep. It was another friend who finally reached through and brought her up and out of her depression.
My trauma of Mom's challenges and everything involved as detailed in this blog with the false accusations of Elder Abuse and the Undue Influence of Julia was my focus; that and financial survival without a job and having gone through almost every asset we had.
A son lived with her, he was in high school. Sons are different from daughters, most of them. Compassion and caregiving along with communication aren't as much a part of their "make up" as daughters.
I am thankful every day my "end child" was a girl.
Two sons were great. Companions for one another. Boys seem to "need" that when they're young. Like young creatures everywhere they're more physical, more needing "bouncing off" others.
Not meaning to be "sexist" in my statements, just observation of behavior of the majority within the groups and I know there are variations on the "theme" of sons and daughters.
My friend's son is older, he has a job and he's staying here. Her husband to be also has a son, finishing high school, ready to move out, ready to move on, has a girl friend.
Geography isn't a friendship breaker the way it could be years ago.
I recall moving as I grew up and not having the "life long" friends of those I met who'd bonded since "grade school".
I've been somewhat of a loner although valuing the friendships and relationships established along life's way.
My married life centered around my husband, his family and my family, his work, my work, the businesses we built together and being a multi generational family with my Mom joining us when our first child was two months old, and that included our "entertaining".
We often move through life changing while staying the same.
My friend is having work done on her home to prepare to sell it and buy a Condo in Florida. She went through a list of positives about moving there and they did sound good, I must admit.
She has someone. I have someone. Hers is building a new family; mine is continuing the multi generational family started decades ago.
Our lives move forward in somewhat different directions but the steps along the way have been challenged with that loss, that deep cutting removal. I understand her choices. She understands mine.
Relatively new friends in the measure of days of life brought together through a common interest and now building on another commonality with our life changes.
We'd exchanged a few on line messages but it had been two years since we'd actually spent some time together talking
I saw her across the room and thought, "she's changed" ... and "so have I".
Two widows who'd met serving as Board Members for an organization providing needed services to our growing Seniors population.
She was appointed, I was elected.
She represented a major company influential in providing services to the entire community while I was elected to represent primarily Seniors who used specific area Senior Centers funded by the State.
She's retired; I'm actively working.
My friend had news. She was moving to Florida. And, the big news, she was getting married again!
We have similar interests but we're also somewhat different.
I've not found a want or a need to consider finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm happy for my friend when I hear how her life changed when she lost her husband;
She'd taken her husband's death hard. She went to work, came home, fell in bed to sleep. It was another friend who finally reached through and brought her up and out of her depression.
My trauma of Mom's challenges and everything involved as detailed in this blog with the false accusations of Elder Abuse and the Undue Influence of Julia was my focus; that and financial survival without a job and having gone through almost every asset we had.
A son lived with her, he was in high school. Sons are different from daughters, most of them. Compassion and caregiving along with communication aren't as much a part of their "make up" as daughters.
I am thankful every day my "end child" was a girl.
Two sons were great. Companions for one another. Boys seem to "need" that when they're young. Like young creatures everywhere they're more physical, more needing "bouncing off" others.
Not meaning to be "sexist" in my statements, just observation of behavior of the majority within the groups and I know there are variations on the "theme" of sons and daughters.
My friend's son is older, he has a job and he's staying here. Her husband to be also has a son, finishing high school, ready to move out, ready to move on, has a girl friend.
Geography isn't a friendship breaker the way it could be years ago.
I recall moving as I grew up and not having the "life long" friends of those I met who'd bonded since "grade school".
I've been somewhat of a loner although valuing the friendships and relationships established along life's way.
My married life centered around my husband, his family and my family, his work, my work, the businesses we built together and being a multi generational family with my Mom joining us when our first child was two months old, and that included our "entertaining".
We often move through life changing while staying the same.
My friend is having work done on her home to prepare to sell it and buy a Condo in Florida. She went through a list of positives about moving there and they did sound good, I must admit.
She has someone. I have someone. Hers is building a new family; mine is continuing the multi generational family started decades ago.
Our lives move forward in somewhat different directions but the steps along the way have been challenged with that loss, that deep cutting removal. I understand her choices. She understands mine.
Relatively new friends in the measure of days of life brought together through a common interest and now building on another commonality with our life changes.
Friday, August 11, 2017
The Talk: Valuing Aging & The Aged
Aging is mostly hidden from Gen Xers.
The generation next in line to Care Give for parents and others.
Off on their own, many of them living far away from family and relatives, socializing with "their own kind" they seldom visit or interact with society's "aging population".
A new industry has grown and is booming based on this "abandonment" of a whole segment of our population -- Continuum Care.
You simply sell your home, move into a "condo" with "all the conveniences" and then advance at an unknown and totally unexpected faster pace into more and more managed care and less and less autonomy and freedom of choice.
OR DO WE?
Depends on how much we have to "invest" in the cost of living as we grow older.
What costs, you might ask?
Well, what does that contract say you're signing?
What adjustable rates are there for what services?
Is there a monthly fee?
As that residency "ages" just as you age, who's responsible for upkeep, maintenance and what kind of control do they have over those costs?
Many now advertise they have "stepped care" meaning you can continue to live with them no matter what your mental or physical care needs may be --- NOT QUITE TRUE.
If you require medical care beyond what the facility has available, cannot provide and you cannot provide at your own expense -- YOU MAY BE ASKED TO MOVE OR BE MOVED.
IMPORTANT: There are no blanket guarantees. Even with Medicaid, the facility Dr and others can "put together" paperwork that can affect the continuation of someone in a specific facility.
REMEMBER: One of our most difficult possibilities as we age is OUR MIND and how it determines what we say, how we act, what we do or don't do and what functions vary or fail and at what rate.
All ages need to be more cognizant of reality regarding residences and their actual practices and promises.
Each of these "care giving" centers, no matter how they advertise their services, are HOUSING & PROVIDING SERVICES for human beings who lose a great deal of self determination depending on the practices and legal inclusions in contractual agreements AND SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR PUBLIC DISCLOSURE OF ALL OF THESE FACTORS ON A YEARLY BASIS.
We brag about how the average life span is lengthening and how we're living "better lives" than our predecessors.
On a local TV program today, an "info-mercial", a local Financial Planner said the latest figures show the average life span is 86.
I think that may be a little high but it's still far higher than the age of 65 which was the determining point for Social Security being established as few lived to that point or longer back in the late 1930's.
We have Heart Disease, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis and that most dreaded of all DEMENTIA .... but ...WE'RE LIVING LONGER!
Who prepares us to "care give" for our aging population?
Who educates us in what it means to grow old?
Who teaches us about aging as a process?
Who gives us the foundation to build relationships and responsibilities with and for those who have come before?
Schools teach us about who "WE" are.
We're taught how to navigate and negotiate through stages of OUR lives basically from the point we enter the educational system until we leave.
Sometimes we get limited education on working and socializing with others.
Rarely are we taught the importance of each age group in our society and how important it is to learn about and understand each segment.
We need to teach our children how the world is centered on ALL: Ages, stages, beliefs, concerns, languages, colors and contrasts.
To educate everyone that aging is normal, to be expected and accepted and to understand what may cause changes along with "aging" -- medical life events like a TIA or stroke, what Dementia really is and how to work with and through the challenges experienced, what accommodations can be made that make life easier and how they can be done and supported by everyone.
It took years for the founder of Paraquad in St Louis to get people's attention to the NEEDS of those with physical limitations and laws passed (like the handicap parking signs so common on parking lots and streets).
We need to grow in tolerance, understanding and recognize it's critical to talk, to plan and to start with our very youngest citizens to educate and develop concern beyond themselves, for others of all ages, stages and abilities -- or lack thereof.
Fear of the unknown starts early. Seeing and not understanding, not asking questions and finding answers causes us to look away, turn away and in the end seal the fate of today's generations and our own.
The generation next in line to Care Give for parents and others.
Off on their own, many of them living far away from family and relatives, socializing with "their own kind" they seldom visit or interact with society's "aging population".
A new industry has grown and is booming based on this "abandonment" of a whole segment of our population -- Continuum Care.
You simply sell your home, move into a "condo" with "all the conveniences" and then advance at an unknown and totally unexpected faster pace into more and more managed care and less and less autonomy and freedom of choice.
OR DO WE?
Depends on how much we have to "invest" in the cost of living as we grow older.
What costs, you might ask?
Well, what does that contract say you're signing?
What adjustable rates are there for what services?
Is there a monthly fee?
As that residency "ages" just as you age, who's responsible for upkeep, maintenance and what kind of control do they have over those costs?
Many now advertise they have "stepped care" meaning you can continue to live with them no matter what your mental or physical care needs may be --- NOT QUITE TRUE.
If you require medical care beyond what the facility has available, cannot provide and you cannot provide at your own expense -- YOU MAY BE ASKED TO MOVE OR BE MOVED.
IMPORTANT: There are no blanket guarantees. Even with Medicaid, the facility Dr and others can "put together" paperwork that can affect the continuation of someone in a specific facility.
REMEMBER: One of our most difficult possibilities as we age is OUR MIND and how it determines what we say, how we act, what we do or don't do and what functions vary or fail and at what rate.
All ages need to be more cognizant of reality regarding residences and their actual practices and promises.
Each of these "care giving" centers, no matter how they advertise their services, are HOUSING & PROVIDING SERVICES for human beings who lose a great deal of self determination depending on the practices and legal inclusions in contractual agreements AND SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR PUBLIC DISCLOSURE OF ALL OF THESE FACTORS ON A YEARLY BASIS.
We brag about how the average life span is lengthening and how we're living "better lives" than our predecessors.
On a local TV program today, an "info-mercial", a local Financial Planner said the latest figures show the average life span is 86.
I think that may be a little high but it's still far higher than the age of 65 which was the determining point for Social Security being established as few lived to that point or longer back in the late 1930's.
We have Heart Disease, Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis and that most dreaded of all DEMENTIA .... but ...WE'RE LIVING LONGER!
Who prepares us to "care give" for our aging population?
Who educates us in what it means to grow old?
Who teaches us about aging as a process?
Who gives us the foundation to build relationships and responsibilities with and for those who have come before?
Schools teach us about who "WE" are.
We're taught how to navigate and negotiate through stages of OUR lives basically from the point we enter the educational system until we leave.
Sometimes we get limited education on working and socializing with others.
Rarely are we taught the importance of each age group in our society and how important it is to learn about and understand each segment.
We need to teach our children how the world is centered on ALL: Ages, stages, beliefs, concerns, languages, colors and contrasts.
To educate everyone that aging is normal, to be expected and accepted and to understand what may cause changes along with "aging" -- medical life events like a TIA or stroke, what Dementia really is and how to work with and through the challenges experienced, what accommodations can be made that make life easier and how they can be done and supported by everyone.
It took years for the founder of Paraquad in St Louis to get people's attention to the NEEDS of those with physical limitations and laws passed (like the handicap parking signs so common on parking lots and streets).
We need to grow in tolerance, understanding and recognize it's critical to talk, to plan and to start with our very youngest citizens to educate and develop concern beyond themselves, for others of all ages, stages and abilities -- or lack thereof.
Fear of the unknown starts early. Seeing and not understanding, not asking questions and finding answers causes us to look away, turn away and in the end seal the fate of today's generations and our own.