Elder Abuse By Trusted Church Lady

Why didn't we see the manipulation, control and abuse? 

Living and coping with two medically challenged family members whose conditions were in need of constant attention my focus was on everyday survival for all of us and  trying to find some way to "normalize".

Our financial means were very limited and barely paid the regular bills. A major medical incident with one person, in this case two, was stretching our finances and resources far beyond what we could manage.

My husband spent over 100 days hospitalized, almost all that time in Critical Intensive Care. Then a month in an LTC to try to regain strength and hopefully better health. 

In a hospital bed, on the first floor unable to climb stairs due to two then three openings on his abdomen, needing to have bags "attached and changed as they broke apart" to "catch" the constantly seeping fluids. 

I was his caregiver. Our Insurance did not provide this "feature" and the cost was prohibitive to hire someone. 

Daughter was trying to stay and finish College as her brothers had done. 

I did double duty as caregiver for my Mom who'd lived with us since 1971, she was aging and although we did not recognize her having Dementia, it was there. LBD, Lewy Body Dementia, is often less pronounced in effects and affects, often slow moving and also seen as "aging" when it's far more.

Let's review what we know about Julia... who turned our lives inside out, upside down as she tore our family apart. 

Julia, seen at our Church but not a friend or even someone we spoke with regularly, we attended early services and she preferred later -- until she came into our lives and we began to see her across the Church which was designed "in the round".

She "volunteered" with the SVDP, Society of St Vincent de Paul, and offered to have people in the Parish provide dinner meals for our family for the first month my husband was home.

I vaguely knew her from being a Eucharistic Minister and we both took Communion to a residence for Older People near our Church. What I thought I saw was a dedicated and caring person was actually a disrupter. She also mentioned "working" with some older people in their homes. 

Our Church had a large congregation and was part of a private school for boys and young men. We didn't socialize with her or her family; my husband was active in organizations, my activity was with the school our sons attended.

As our "ordeal" with Mom and Julia progressed, I found out Julia also "cared for" older people in their homes, many who did not have relatives in the area. 

A regular church attendee who works and volunteers -- on projects that touch the lives of "Senior" church members has opportuniites & possibiliities to do good or cause harm.

She's trusted as she's seen as caring and giving; "walks the walk" and "talks the talk" leading everyone to believe she's motivated to give out of concern for all; has access to records of who's sick, needing "assistance" and residing in a Care Facility. 

We didn't "grab a coffee", there was no "friendship" or prior "relationship", she often led the religious service at the LTC when the Priest could not attend; this was all before my husband and my Mom both needed constant caregiving.

When she came to our house after my husband was home from the hospital, there were "brief conversations" and she talked about "working with older people in their homes"; she never mentioned if she was financially compensated.

Not knowing where she lived or anything about her, I thought she was someone who needed to  "work", was never focused on where someone lived, worked or their way of life. I didn't measure people.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered: She had an Upper Middle Class life, her father was in Banking, lived in an exceptionally nice home in our area, she attended Church by herself, occasionally with her son, very infrequently to the service we attended regularly.

Contrary to what she led my Mother to believe, she wasn't from a "poor area" like Mom. Yes, they both came from a very large family, but that's the only similarity. 

Mom left school in the eighth grade to go to work; Julia went to a prestigious East Coast Private college where she was on the Tennis Team and ranked very high, winning awards.

Julia became an RN after undergrad. We were not "friends" or even "acquaintances" prior to her volunteering to co-ordinate meals for the first month my husband was home.

Julia had many privileges; Mom worked to provide for her parents, younger children in the family, to support herself.

Julia and Mom came from very large families of eleven children; Mom lived in a small town, small house, father painted signs and hung wall paper. Julia lived near or in a very large city, on a large property in Kentucky "horse country", her father, a banker.

Mom felt fortunate to finish 8th grade and get a job cleaning and working in a  house in the big city across the River; Julia went to a very prestigious East Coast College, played Tennis receiving many awards. 

Julia was more my age, but Julia "built a relationship" on false representation and comparisons and/or taking advantage of Mom's Dementia, which, as someone who "worked with", volunteered "serving" the "elderly", was easy to do.

They both wore uniforms in their work; Mom was a beautician; Julia became a Registered Nurse.

When the month of arranging dinners from Church members had ended, Julia volunteered to "take Mom out" as she knew with my providing in home care for my husband, was becoming very challenging.

When Mom first started "going out" with Julia she was using a cane; after a couple of visits, Julia said she thought Mom needed to use a walker; then Julia felt she needed to have a portable wheel chair. 

From early Spring into beginning Fall, Mom's abilities didn't change but Julia manipulated and maneuvered us into making the changes.

I thought they were going to the Mall and other places where it would be challenging but good exercise for Mom to walk those distances. Little did I know they were going to sit and talk and that was the extent of their "time together".

Julia constantly wanted to "visit" with Mom in her room or go upstairs and get her or take her up to her room.

This "request" began after the first couple of times Julia came to  pick up Mom. Going out was what Mom wanted and needed. We'd always gone places together: Malls and stores, parks and visits to friends and family. 

My husband's severe medical condition required 24/7 caregiving. He had an opening on his right side and it was not closing, instead it was growing wider. Doctors never told us why and another entry will bring to light what we didn't see at the time contributed to his physical problems

Julia became Mom's "best friend". A woman younger than I by more than a decade and my Mom was in her 90's.

Elder Abuse can be done by "trusted" people in your or their lives. A "wolf in sheep's clothing" as the saying goes.

If I'd not had the challenges . . . of husband's being in a hospital bed in our home with his abdominal skin continuously opening, needing bags changed. . . my Mom's aging and developing what we did not know or see was LBD. . .

.

Julia became more and more 'involved" offering opinions, trying to become Mom's "advisor", never to me, now realizing Julia was manipulative and controlling to gain control of Mom and her limited "savings".

Trying to find a Day Care for Seniors for  my Mom . . . I found an amazing place Mom loved but because it was a JCCA (Jewish Community Center) facility, Julia felt it wasn't " a place Mom should be". Mom wasn't Catholic like Julia and the Center was open to people of all faiths, all races.

It Was "The Perfect Storm" created and crafted by Julia leaving scars that remain today reminding me the work I do to raise awareness of Elder Abuse, to start programs in the community for Seniors. 

I work with Memory Care Home Solutions and direct people experiencing "Dementia" to a prominent hospital in our area, BJC, "Barnes" for short, well known for its focus on The Brain.

ELDER ABUSE  is not limited to WHO, WHERE, WHEN, HOW or to ECONOMIC or SOCIAL STATUS, AGE or PROFESSION. This is a critical message I want to deliver.

ELDER ABUSE can be done by all ages, stages, male/female.

ELDER ABUSE can happen right in front of you or behind your back and it can be allowed to continue in Senior Living through personnel and visitors.

Keep a Diary, Notes, Create Correspondence.

Above all, if it looks, smells or acts like Abuse . . . 

or if it doesn't . . . look closer, listen and ask your loved one. . . 

What did you do today with "X", at "X" for "X"?

Elder Abusers come in all shapes, sizes and are not necessarily those in monetary need. 

CONTROL isn't about money. . . , 

It's about POWER & SUPERIORITY.

Julia, never asked if she could help in any way with my husband or assisted us to find help in the community.

Her eyes were "on the prize".

 

She never took Mom to places where she might enjoy watching kids play, like a park, enjoy the out of doors and the wildlife or even to the Mall where Mom could "widow shop" and enjoy "people watching" as she often did with us.

Julia was focused on disruption and distraction.

Not succeeding in getting into Mom's room upstairs, where she could "look over" or "look through" items Mom might have, take something and then probably tell Mom she'd "misplaced it", 

She convinced Mom I was "after her money" -- about $4,000 she'd set aside for her "burial" and enjoyed counting and occasionally adding to it when she received her Social Security.

She took Mom to her bank with the money and opened a Safety Deposit Box with both Mom and her name on it keeping keys.

I was unable to see behind the mask.

I loved them both husband and mother.

I cared for each as best I could. 

I write, advocate, attend meetings to learn about aging and Dementia, travel to see and hear those who are making a difference and positive change for our aging.

           NOW IS THE TIME TO PROTECT OUR SENIORS 

               Their Lives Depend On Each One Of Us