A Widow's Walk A Constant Journey

First come the expressions of sympathy. 

Then come the questions about your competency, as the one still remaining -- to make the "right" and the "best" decisions, by family members and by friends.

Next comes the need to share challenges faced and kept hidden continuing to cause pain and suffering.

Where will it lead? Possibly not to reconciliation but there's already separation and unwillingness to talk about the truth, the actuality and the realities.

Sometimes we need the written word to "go there" and return rather than "stay".

Hiding problems never resolves them; they grow in number and in strength.

Death didn't take away my abilities, it took away my husband. 

Before Death entered our family unit there were problems and challenges, to be certain. 

After death, Oldest son seems to see himself as the"head" of the family now that Dad is gone.

That's how he acted and spoke before he decided (again) to cut off communication and remove himself and his family from "my bad influence".

Sorry, first born, that's my place, head of the family; I'm not ready to cede to you with your record of personal choices negatively affecting you, your father, your grandmother, me, your sister and others. 

When I do pass from this life, you will be the oldest but since you've chosen to set aside your parents and sister, not in the position to lead the family you've negated and left.

You definitely need more time to mature.

Interesting how he can now set us aside . . . and continue to blame anyone but himself for life's challenges.

Interesting, too, since he no longer benefits from my sacrifices directly and from all the ways I worked to give him "the best" -- schooling, opportunities and even constant "benefit of the doubt" when I knew about his major transgressions and when I discovered even more later.

He's decided I never made good decisions, can't possibly know what's best for myself and "sooner rather than later" I'm going to totally crash with my life....

NOW... he tells me .... he was abused in his teens because his father and I started a business that had significant challenges and we counter sued our landlord (a huge multi million dollar corporation with several attorneys on retainer), in court, and lost the case. 

We almost lost our house, our home. That's true. But what exactly did he do without, lose or even have diminished? 

And why should a financial set back be considered "abuse" in the first place? A child of privilege with a very good life built by parents who always put "him" and his siblings first and foremost.

(Of course he never, while he was benefiting from all we provided, spoke a word about what he believed was "wrong" with me and with his father. Now, he sees his life BJ, that's before someone else entered our life, as "horrible" and "ugly" and "abusive".)

Today, though, he believes he had "the problems" he had, the ones I've never spoken about but he fears, perhaps, will "come up in conversation" in front of his own children, were caused by "me".

No finger pointing at his father now that he's passed. But he had problems with him when he was alive. Part of what he did that was abusive to us was done to his father as well.

My oldest son, my second son, have no first hand knowledge or experiences that were harsh and challenging like I had growing up. 

They never knew want of anything. They were always encouraged and we modeled giving to others, working for others, caring about so many causes.

How was this son abused?

His "good life" of the best schooling, activities, sports, a car to use, a highly selective college, computers and more weren't interrupted or influenced when we had our financial problems. 

We kept giving to him and providing for his siblings -- we even took in a relative, a young girl our daughter's age -- and tried to provide a home for her after both her parents were killed. 

Looking closer at "abuse" and "the truth turned inside out":

The best schooling ....he now claims he paid for his college himself. 

When I told him I had receipts to prove Dad and I were assessed a large amount each year for his tuition, we provided him with a "new" computer, books that ran into the hundreds of dollars, a monthly "allotment", a phone paid for and more ... he ignores the truth to repeat he was "abused".

We let him stay in the town during the Summer and guess who sent money his way for the bills he incurred? When he wanted to build a "loft" in his college dorm, who do you think paid the costs? Let him take a car to college and paid the gas and repairs while he used it to take on "trips" with a girlfriend.

Oh, we were so ignorant then; so trusting; we didn't find out until years later how much advantage this first son took of us and all we were willing to try to provide for him, for the person we thought he was and hoped he would be.

Sad that in the middle of his life, at a time when he should be looking back and being thankful for all he received .. he should twist and turn the truth beyond recognition.

Sports . . . ensuring he had our support every weekend as we traveled to tournaments involving sitting for hours on end, me with a small baby, his sister, and providing him with anything and everything he "needed" for projects and for his education.

Abused. Well, wish I was "abused" that way when I was his age.

The word never came up until we experienced Undue Influence from an Elder Abuser with Mom/Grandma -- in unrecognized mid stage Lewy Body Dementia.

You hide, my first born son, from reality and truth because you fear disclosure of actions you've taken and know how wrong they were.

You hope to keep these secrets hidden because they trouble you and cause you great concern for how others will see you if they know what you have done.

I do not need for others to know the details or the facts; I need you to recognize what you did, what you have done and how your actions were abusive to me and to others.

Closure and renewal comes with facing challenges.

Hiding truth causes more problems and builds walls.

Trying to accuse others falsely does not change history.

Trying to demean and demoralize through anger and accusation are not the answer.

I'm competent and capable and it's a few years since your father's passing. 

There is resolution needed. For far more than is written about in this blog entry. 

The Widow's Walk Is A Constant Journey. 

Death sometimes interrupts and sometimes pushes forward events and actions that had been difficult but tolerable. 

I walk with my head held high knowing the truth cannot be twisted, turned and will come to light. I'm learning every day as I always have.

It's a time of being singular when I would have preferred remaining plural but it is not a time of moving to being a "Zero".