Tarnished Golden Years

We plowed the fields                                                                                                           Cleaned the toilets                                                                                                Survived the births                                                                                                           Fought the battles                                                                                           

Shared the bread

Saved the water

Found the money

Paved the way

 

Treated like a commodity

Told we have little value

Pushed to leave "our space”

Shelved as “out of date”

 

Predators circle

Smelling sweet success

Family far away

 

Tricks no treats 

Circling, following, pouncing

Waiting, watching, wondering

 

Youth is blind

Middle Age wears an eye patch

Old Age is told what to see

How Old Are You?

Usually sidestepping I decided this time to face the question and see the reaction.

She visibly jumped and immediately reached to put her arm around me even though I'd been walking on my own.

What's with this "age group"?

We were taught it's "not polite' and even "inconsiderate" to ask someone's age, race, educational or marital status.

Closest we've come is asking "Where'd you go to High School?" and that's after a conversation about where someone "grew up" starts.

We "birthed" this Gen and their offspring?                                                                   They seem to think today is where we've lived consistently.

It takes them time and often it requires a mixed age group for these "Gen Xers," who are actually close on our heels but don't realize it because they're so busy going through life stages they can't see where they are and where they're going.

Death walks in and reasoning walks out the door. 

I liked her, I still do, but it amazes me the questions 50 somethings ask directly.

No preparation.  Didn't know her name or relationship.                                                     A person obviously related; the Memorial Service was very small.

What happened to "polite conversation"?

Manners seem to have moved aside to instant gratification.                  

Where are the "manners"; not asking "personal questions" we taught?          

She seems bright and capable but this "direct question" of someone I just met is far too personal -- would she ask a contemporary what size Bra she wore on first meeting?

I know! She's amazed "people my age" aren't bent over, shuffling and having trouble processing simple sentences.

I like you but you really need to "get out" more and mix with all generations and not just see "growing older" as "getting senile".

Death isn't confined to age groups or "getting older'.

We are all, however, facing that "final curtain" and do not know when it will be drawn across our life. Even for Gen X the day grows closer.

Beginning of The End

In these words, I find the strength needed to share

Knowing you, who read, have a reason.                                                                         Need unfilled, often critical in timing and purpose.

A journey concerned, caring and confused, maybe alone.                               Medical error; no one admits

A few come to visit, some express concern.                                                                 Advice is their "contribution". Misinformation abounds.

Time and funds limited.                                                                                               Sons married living hundreds of miles away.                                                               Daughter trying to stay in college.

No cell phones or computers that could send pictures.                                 Believing each day would bring healing, life would change.

Lied to by the Hospital and the Doctors.                                                                     "All he has to do is gain a little more weight."

They knew what was happening to my husband.                                               They changed his dressing on the incision.

Record keeping often typed.                                                                                       Easy to "adjust" to "cover errors & omissions

The Dr writing them made the error.                                                                       Never set a foot near my husband on that fateful night.                                       Gave the direction on the phone to "lance" .

Infection or inability or both created a deep incision

HE was a SHE in the ER; short staffed, definitely.

SHE was unable to help my husband

         took out a phone and made a call

         followed orders given uncertain of how to proceed

        did as she was told

HE  was not in the ER

       was somewhere he didn't want to leave

       did not ask the right questions

       caused the beginning of the end

       did not appear all the time we were in the ER

       wrote the report, signed it stating HE did the cutting.

Sight unseen, she followed his direction              

He never saw the patient

He never ensured a Dr made the incision

How harmful his "advice" would prove to be

His failure to ensure competency led to my husband's death

It was 2009, personal computers were rare but hospitals had systems. 

No Dr attending. 

"She" made a call. 

Received directions to"lance" 

She did exactly as she was told.

Beginning of the end.

LBD Social Signs

"Hindsight is better than foresight" is never more true than for caregiver's, family, friends of loved ones with Dementia.

Current studies cite the appearance of specific behaviours as being the "keys" to diagnosing Dementia.

Many forms cannot be specifically cited or identified until there's a post mortem examination of the brain.

It doesn't matter if someone has Alzheimer's, Lewy Body, Frontal Temporal or others, they have Dementia.

We need to recognize Dementia as the next big life challenge.

It's fatal, physically and emotionally draining.

It's destructive and stops life as we know it,

General articles and reports often become focused on the decline of mental processing citing bodily functions including standing, walking, incontinence as type or stage of the disease.

Are these really effective measures of Dementia's progression? 

Are we simply focusing on those areas we consider "more important" and use to determine the "level" of the progression and level of caregiving?

When are we going to recognize Dementia, especially Lewy Body Dementia, doesn't appear like Cancer often does with a lump you can feel or Heart Disease with a stroke? 

Lewy Body Dementia often masquarades.  As I wrote in the blog entry: Masks: Ever Changing Faces of Lewy Body Dementia , LBD is not always visible. 

People with LBD, in the beginning stages, seem to be capable of adjusting their minds, are "socially conscious", even far into progression of the disease.

They may laugh about "what they've just said", mix and match information that seems to go together to the "untrained" and "unfamiliar with the subject" ear and eye. 

Another observation I've had with Mom is how vacillating Lewy Body Dementia really is; behaviors were so unpredictable. 

It amazed me how caregivers at Mom's facility and especially the floor nurse, an LPN, believed we could affect her behavior or we could change it or Mom could choose to change it.

Unfortunately, these are all false beliefs about a real, medical condition that like Diabetes, Heart Disease or Cancer, cannot be controlled or adjusted through "willpower" or "determination".

The other night at a presentation, the message was conveyed by a gentleman about his wife and how she could somehow, if she just tried, control or affect actions like sitting up in her chair. 

It was HIS wants and needs for her to be who she's always been, not who she was becoming.

After a long period of time and a good day, when for some reason her brain neural pathways had shifted, changed or somehow let a message "slip through", my Mom might make that movement or give that response.

We, too, desperately wanted Mom to be the person we knew, we lived with, to be there, to have the ability to "return" to the person we felt comfortable around and with.

Like a trained animal, we reward the Advanced Dementia patient who shows us they "can" do something, hear something correctly, respond correctly, with a smile, words of encouragement and even with statements like "I knew you could do it if you tried hard enough".  

How grateful I am now realizing that with enough advancement of the Dementia this level of self satisfaction on the part of the visitor, the family member, may not truly register with the person struggling with Dementia.

Then, there is the other belief, and one popular today, about "the right medicine" controlling and eliminating "the disease".

You see, we're far more accepting of something we "catch" changing someone's life than we are when there is a "loss" of what is perceived to be the "self' of the individual which many believe should be able to be "personally controlled".

It may be more like eradicating Cancer. 

Controlled to some degree, possibly, perhaps, but the ability to eradicate may be more challenging or accomplished with some form of discovery that shifts development and progression.

We may find the causes of some Dementias and be able to change behaviors (smoking) or where you live (not close to where chemicals have been dumped) and therefore not get a specific Dementia (Cancer).

Unless someone determines there is one specific cause for Cancer -- possibly a genetic tendency or even lack of certain configurations/compositions -- Dementia, like Cancer, in my opinion, will be with us for many years to come.

Dementia may be seen as being prevalent in the very elderly but each passing day we're discovering, as we grow from an infant to a toddler, through adolescence and into adulthood, the vast frontier of the brain and how it is the center of the individual human universe remains an ongoing challenge.

Just recently, some have started  classifying other brain diseases, Muscular Dystrophy and Parkinson's for example, into the area of Dementias. They affect the brain and that is where Dementia works so the theory is they're related  or even one and the same.

Let's have a movement within society to be as health wary about Dementia as we are about Cancer and heart disease that affect human relationships and lifestyles.

Let's open the discussion, bring into the light, show the world we see, hear and most of all support those who are challenged with and from Dementia including the individuals and their care givers whether family or other.

YOU have the power to facilitate a change. 

Start a conversation. Volunteer to visit LTC's.

YOU hold the future in your hands.

It's your future or at least the future of someone you love.

Line of Descent

Life is life and death is death.                                                                                             Until the time when East meets West.

Extend your arms, reach out your hands,                                                                           Close your eyes & take a stand.

There they are, each one you knew,                                                                             Now gone as others and so will you.   

Parents left, then brothers, too.                                                                                       Sisters lingered as though they knew                                                                         When they walked on, so would you.

A line was formed and except for War                                                                         Each one came "home" to lay beside                                                                                 A wife, a child, in their own space.

You came and went leaving flowers for all,                                                           Knowing the day would come                                                                                     When you answered the call.

We wait for you to come and stay                                                                                   While now you turn and walk away.                                                                                   We too had hopes and plans like you.  

Some were done and some remain                                                                                 Others we took into this grave.                                                                                           It's up to you to carry on.                                                                        

To Move Is To Live

They sit in wheelchairs waiting. Some given privileges of chairs.

Forbidden to walk because they might fall. Too few caregivers.

Sometimes a smile from a passer by. Sometimes a glance of curiosity.

Dogs and cats greeted better than older human beings in facilities.

If life could only be like a story on a streaming service. . .

Where each of us who have abilities and choices change places . . . 

With family members in "Institutions". Would we then see?

Those who did not have or somehow lost the ways and means . . . 

Go through the doors of government subsidized Elder Care

Interesting they use the name "Elder" 

A title in many Communities given out of respect and honor

Are you so sure it's "as promised"? 

Have you really gone behind those "closed doors".

Do you see what you want to see because you need it to be?

I understand. I walked that walk. Everyday I had to work.

So hard to know we could not take Mom home.

She lived with us for over forty years into her 100th year.

We didn't want her "institutionalized".

We were finally able to move her but no money for private care.

Both of us had to work to survive.

We tried another facility and then another and another. 

LTC with government support was worse than kennels for animals.

Tears come to my eyes even today knowing what was done to us by the Church Lady is being done by others in a high tech world.

Predators are all around us as we move towards 2025

I found another attacking one of my Cousins.  

They are a devious group of humans, focused on self gain.

             

Do not go blindly, open your eyes wide.                                                                         When it's your time you'll see far too clearly.                                     

Society won't support you.  Your value is gone.                                 

Values are for what can be achieved and how fast.

Ability and possibility.

A commodity worth only what the market values.

Aging isn't what they tell you it is

When you're young and anxious to grow older.

When you arrive, it's not the destination you thought

No turning back, you can't even run away.

You'll stand up tall, hoping to look strong

Or bend over with the weight.

 

Looking into a darkness

Seeking to find the light

Making do, moving on, waiting for someone, anyone

And you, young one, see this as best for ME.

You who complain on ships about the food 

Waiting too long for anything, not enough space

Change places with me and see for yourself

Closed doors change points of view

Signed in, locked up, waiting for the light

A few privileged have it better, or so I'm told

I travel to meetings, conventions and find

What's practiced that's humane is few and far between

I will keep looking and writing seeing words are the way

To ensure those growing older will see better days.

Stop Pushing Me!

Close the door and the windows, please.                                                                       I’m tired of insects who buzz around                                                                            Looking for somewhere to feed.

Do, Watch, Contribute More.

If you don’t, you’ll close The Door.

Everyone’s waiting just for you

They can’t go another day

Without knowing ‘What’s New”

The pressure is strong

The days not so long

I juggle and leap

Getting very little sleep

 

If, When, How, Why

Everyone reaching for the Blue Sky

 

The Door That Will Open

Time that never stops

Life forever changed

When You’re “On The Top”

 

Remember those dolls?

I see at a glance

Their arms pulled to stretch

As we make them dance

 

Who’s pulling your strings

Who’s igniting your fire

What twists and turns 

Until you feel your life burn

The Treadmill 

Becomes a racetrack

We construct and design

Always seeing faster

Is at the head of the line

 

One at a time

Place a foot on the side

Deep breath, look around

Hear that familiar sound?

 

The person you want to be

Stands tall in your shoes

Run too fast

You’ll usually lose.

 

Slow down, sit and stay

Look around, take time to play.

Your inner child needs to rest

You’ve passed Life’s Greatest Test.

It's your race, not theirs

To walk or to run

To stand or to sit

In shadow or Sun.

When you measure you miss

The subtleness

Of This. . . 

Today followed yesterday

Tomorrow will too

It's your life you're living

You choose while you're giving.

Broken Family

Unification is all the rage

As we take our place on the center stage.

Looking around I fail to see

How everyone seems to be looking at me.

I have no control over what they do

Yet I feel the eyes and the shame they view.

When "Father Knows Best" is front and center

We "children of divorce" were unwelcome "Lepers".

With so much focus on family today

Those without almost always turn their face.

It's a lonely journey with a slow motion pace.

All of it seeming to face disgust and disgrace.

Not worthy of being called friend for so many

Plagued by a future pushing in so many ways

Life would be challenging each and every day.

Look in the mirror and see what you see.

Their measurements do not matter

Just be who you'll be.

Years pass, their time limited as yours.

You realized early the twists and the turns.

Life is a line you walk and you run

Often in shadow and sometimes in Sun.

It's your life to lead or follow 

You set the pace, do not form any disgrace

Look back and now ahead

See the life you've actually led.

Be proud of what you've done, where you've been

They don't control you now, they didn't control you then

See life as it was when you took the lead

Knowing you chose just how to proceed.

Turn away from the memories they no longer rule

While life is an education, it's no longer your school.

Gaining Peace of Mind

This Blog has travelled to many parts of the world.

Many speak different languages but all with a "common interest" -- CareGiving For A Loved One.

I've varied  writings about the time spent with Mom, the challenges of her unrecognized Dementia, the problems we encountered and were unable to resolve.

Knowing the challenge of unrecognized Dementia, of verbal abuse and manipulative control of the weakest among us who often were some of the most strong -- 

Taking advantage, getting "high" on manipulation and control of the weakest, wrecking havoc through  tearing families apart.

Julia appeared to "have it all" -- a beautiful home, active in the Community and in Church, volunteering to bring to those least able to attend an offering, a Communion, seeming to care when actually looking for their weaknesses to prey upon.

Learning shared brings peace of mind.

Reaching out I hope others will share their experiences.

Masked Faces

Cell phone pictures can be chronicles of life and death.

How often we "put on a face" in life. Smile for the camera!

See the surprise, love, caring, passing of time on her face.

I just went through pictures of Mom.

In boxes & on my phone.                                                                                     Snapshots over the years of her life, our life together.

In later years so many pictures of Mom "daydreaming".

Appearing to be somewhere within her mind, 

With us sometimes briefly and sometimes deeply.

Her eye focus changed; I see that now. 

Her facial expressions lessened.

Smiling, reacting to common daily actions faded, slowly at first.

After her last birthday, we noticed she was losing                                                      the ability to remember common actions.

She didn't understand how to take the wrapping paper off a                                         present and couldn't open the untaped box with new clothes. 

Mom always tried to open packages with great care.                                                      trying to "keep the paper intact to use again".         

Valuing, knowing the end of times come without warning.

Being prepared meant survival and continuing.

A child of very little means growing up. 

A young woman during the Depression.

 

She taught us to "use it up, repair it, make do or do without".                              Lessons for survival providing more than we'd ever expected.

I remember her ability to communicate and even seem to be cognizant to one degree or another up until about two weeks prior to her passing. 

No one prepares you for this major capability change.

My first entry was "When the Child Becomes The Mother" back on April 8, 2013. 

As I re-read this and other entries I know the time has passed.

It just doesn't seem possible it's more than a decade.

I had no idea then it would be less than a year after that date Mom would leave this life. 

Looking back, reversing roles started long before that date;  many adjustments to ensure her safety and personal well being.

Subtle messages of what was to come. Trying to survive, work, visit her every day, we didn't clearly see what was happening before our eyes. 

Life moves in multiple directions all at one time.

LBD is a MASK like those worn for Carnival or Halloween.  

(Today, I can also reference the masks we wore during COVID.)

It's often like those with a stick someone puts in front of their face meant to hold it in place or it can be removed to see the "real" person underneath.

Later, it appears to be the kind that are put on and have a ribbon to tie in the back you can lossen to drop down or remove.

As time passes, the MASK becomes the type with the stretchable band around your head or ears.

It's always there sometimes slipping down or confusing others as to who you see and who you don't.

With LBD it only goes down the front of your face and remains around your neck.

Then, the MASK changes completely and it's painted on the face; always there, always prominent.

We had no roadmap to guide us, no specifics as to this disease's progression in behaviours and observations.

We were constantly guessing as to what to do, how to act.

We had decisions to make to ensure we provided for and protected Mom -- from herself and often from the acts of others who simply did not care to find out about Dementia. 

And, because no one ever counseled us or provided any information about Dementia, we wandered through this time as though in a fog looking for the Sun and a little light.

We took pictures and we took videos. At the time, many, to try to understand and explain to my son, who couldn't be with us, his Grandmother's actions and behaviors on any given day.

Often, especially in the beginning of her "last" months, her ability to talk and "fake" responses through common comments and even through appropriate responses (son:  Love you Grandma! Mom: Love you, too!) caused him to still question his grandmother's deteriorating health and the effects of the LBD.

We took pictures to chronicle the numerous challenges we faced with Mom's Skilled Nursing Facility.

Highly recommend anyone with a loved one in a facility take advantage of the ability to chronicle/document what few people see, hear about, or realize.

Lewy Body Dementia doesn't just place masks on those whose bodies it invades, it puts masks on SNC staff and everyone who attends the men and women who live there.

(The above was originally written March 14, 2014) 

Very little has changed and this is September 2024. 

Darkness surrounds Dementia of all types.

I continue my journey shining light as I go. 

Attending conferences, meetings online and in person.

I want to raise funding. My pockets are not deep. 

Advocating, Raising Awareness.

Encouraging others to seek counsel.

Support their walk with loved ones

Pointing the way to resources I share.

Amazed these words are being seen around the world.

Realizing we share concern for one another.

Grateful to see I am not alone and my words can give hope to others as I continue this journey I feel I've been given for a reason and a purpose.

Finding Four Leaf Clovers

Why did my finger stop today on one specific photo?                                               A smile was needed, it had been a rough day.                                                                 It was on a site I visit infrequently.

Was it meant to "pop up" today?                                                                                 To remind me of Mom in a special way?

I believe there's a reason;                                                                                             We don't always see when we first look. 

It takes time to absorb and understand;                                                                        the power of the past in the present for the future.

In Spring, Summer & Fall,                                                                                         Mom would walk on the sidewalk.                                                                 Suddenly, in the grass,                                                                                                   She would spot a Four Leaf Clover. 

She would bend down, carefully pick,                                                                               offer it to whoever was walking with her.    

It gives me hope, once again,                                                                                             along with the struggles and the challenges.  

There are bright and shining moments,                                                                             continuing positives surrounding our daily lives.                                     

Mom gave the gift of sharing & caring to everyone.

She didn't have to look for it.

The good luck symbol found her.                                                      

And often it wasn't just one. 

Mom always found and saw the beauty,                                                                   the love and the possibilities,                                                                                       even in the darkest moments of life.

I miss her. I miss my husband.                                                                                       The "good" memories of times past guide me today.              

We Women prefer to see the Rainbows of Life.

We weather the storms,                                                                                                       We struggle in the darkness,                                                                                              Celebrating the light emerging & shining through.

Our belief is tomorrow, if we work for today, will be better.

The photo, a "wealth of 4 leaf clovers"                                     

My Cousin's daughter has a "family gift".                                                          Reappearing generation to generation.                                                                       

Finding "joy" and "hope" beneath our feet,                                                                     on our path. . .  just look for it.

It gives hope there are bright, shining moments

Continuing positives surrounding our daily lives.

Isolation & Shelving Grows Dementia

What if some of the "problems" of Alzheimers and other forms of Dementia were discovered to be more social rather than physical?  

Cultures other than the American system of caring for the elderly have provided evidence many behaviours and actions can be managed without drugs or "shelving" people in an institution.

This includes activities both mental and physical provided in Adult Day Care Centers and Long Term Care Facilities which generally shelve or "park" people with Dementia at certain levels or stages.

Understanding which parts of the Disease are manageable and moving to ensure resources are available is critical. 

Why aren't we cross applying findings in medicine and behavioural studies to benefit Dementia patients?

Touch.  Many of our elderly go from day to day only experiencing the touch of another human being providing necessary medical procedures or daily life skill assistance.

I've seen more caring from the receptionists and cleaning/maintenance staff at Mom's SNC than I have from most of the CNA's, LPN's, the RN and the Adminisrtative Staff at the facility.

How long would a baby, infant or child survive and how greatly would they thrive if we denied this comforting human interaction?  

Remember the children adopted from foreign countries who were isolated, denied human kindness/touch? 

Speech. How often does someone sit and talk or involve more than one person in a conversation -- even if the majority of the talk is done by the "caregiver"? 

                                                                                  

Human Contact.  Visiting A Loved One. Look around, say "Hello", stop a moment to talk. Give the gift of a moment of time so valuable to those for whom time seems to be never ending between times of human contact.

Recognize the humanity of all with whom you come in contact while visiting a loved one in a facility. 

Spend a moment; give someone the greatest gift -- human interaction.

Most "interaction" at Mom's facility has a purpose -- analyzing and charting. 

If someone doesn't want to participate in the group activities at Mom's center, it's entered on a chart.

When I visit I see many people who barely get out of their rooms and who are becoming more and more "dependent". 

Some may have mental challenges but many of those seem to have "developed" with the systems and procedures used in the facility.

One dog and one cat live at Mom's facility.  The dog is older and very set in his ways. He used to take the elevator, go to various floors and "roam". Now, he lays around, has put on lots of weight and often moves away when people approach him -- or sleeps most of the time. 

The cat is "isolated" in the Activities Room so only those people who visit that room get any interaction and she, too, is a loner.

Occasionally a couple of dogs are brought in to "visit" residents and you can see the joy in the Resident's eyes and in their bodies. 

They virutally light up and wait patiently hoping the dog will be brought to see them. 

A few residents have family members who bring in dogs to visit.               

Unfortunately, these dogs often don't see anyone but their owners and I understand they're not all "trained" to accept other people.

What's needed is more frequent interaction of residents and animals.

Humans thrive using our senses. When they're deprived or eliminated, at any age, our body functions are greatly affected along with our brains. It changes our personality, our outlook, our behaviour.

Let's find more ways to give Seniors interaction with humans and pets. Let's stimulate their brains, their positive emotions and build healthier lives for all.                       

Gimme

What’s with this surging need?                                                                                 Demands the old hand over, recede.

I can stand or lean any way I choose.

At my age, not much to lose.

I sit and type and wonder why

The words come flying out of “the sky”.

Have they been hiding all along

If so I’ll use them as My Song.

Am I poised to live and learn

Will I continue to actively earn?

So many questions, far less time

Will I burn or will I shine?

Does it matter any way 

If I choose to have my say?

Like bursts of light.

Words join as if in flight.

 

Like Geese in the air

They join and create.

They fly away

To live another day.

Winter is harsh

It hides their food.

We humans see.

We’re not fools.

Each finds their own tools.

To survive and to wait. 

Knowing there is an expiration date.

While we can, we do.

When we can’t, we won’t.

Today I have the choice.

Today I raise my voice.

Megaphones can screech

Across the electronic page

Telling me I’m worthless

Just because of “age.

Then why, tell me please,

Do you want to incur

More candles each year

To blow out in a blur?

You can’t wait to age 

You see it as a “perk”

Let me tell you, my “friend” 

That’s acting like a “jerk”

Value what you have

Embrace where you are

Soon you’ll hear the shouts

Causing you to doubt

Others have been born

They demand a place

Wanting to take yours

It’s going to be your fate.

It’s a life story

Filled with doubt and worry

Stand up, speak out

It’s never too late

Spread love

Not hate

Strange how survival is seen as distress

It causes concerns and such a mess!

From what we achieved

And refuse to “secede”.