Grief Wears Many Faces

Grief wears many faces -- the everyday, the horrific loss, the time past and the faces presented to the world in each human encounter experienced today, tomorrow, everyday.

Death is one form of Grief. It seems to be the most challenging because there is no hope in the here and now for change. 

Death, after all, is the final frontier and not reversible.

 I met a woman who was working through her grief of a couple of years. Her "friends" keep telling her it's been long enough, she should "do other things" of course, they tell her what she shouldn't do, too.

She had a very long marriage, as she said "good pair" who made their lives together and survived decades of challenges.

Not to be minimal, but think of it as having in your life anything, human or an object, when it's "gone",  you "miss" having it. 

The degree to which you miss this object is often associated with the length of time, the value and the part it played in your life. 

Well intentioned friends and acquaintances often do not grasp the level at which the loss is experienced and for how long.

Grief has many "faces" to the world:

Some had less than good experiences in their relationship and so the "passing" may even be a relief but reflected to the world as one of their having "adjusted" so well, so quickly as they moved on. 

It's different for everyone; don't be quick to judge, to approve or disapprove; it's their life, not yours.

Some find a need to replace or restore their lives through finding another to share the time and reclaim life as they knew it.

Some bear the loss seeking solutions along the way to understand, comprehend and manage a new, yet unwanted, life beginning.

Others have been affected by more than just the death, illness, loss -- they are struggling to move forward while most people walk around these individuals, some offer support of one kind of another, most go on living their lives giving their support or encouragement when they have the time or when they come in contact with the "bereaved".

Why do we only see grief as being a "deep" feeling and if someone doesn't "display" this form of grief/sorrow, they are heartless, uncaring and unfeeling?

Some of us hide grief created by the actions taken by someone in their life that aren't associated with death but have the same effect. 

Realizing responsibilities must come before self focus.

Some cannot accept actions they took and while regretting privately actions, words or deeds, lack the courage to acknowledge and instead use this time to accelerate attacking and negating.

Children who remove the ability to talk with or visit grandchildren because they cannot resolve differences through active listening and engagement in resolution processes or take responsibility for years of abuse they did prefer to shift and create blame in another.

Parents endured behaviours from these children over many years and now the "child" uses the "ultimate weapon" -- denial of the only thing they really control access to believing they are "winning" a "battle".

How very sad to use human beings in this way. 

There are, of course, valid reasons for denying contact including physical abuse but to insert another human being into a situation where you cannot face the challenges in the relationship you've created does not resolve the situation and only adds "fuel to the fire".

Sadly, these grown "children" pick up their marbles and go home when they cannot get the other person to follow their lead, to do what they want and to give up whatever the other wants.

They are planting the seeds of a tomorrow when their children will be adults and will have the ability to question and possibly put into practice what was done to them on the real perpetrators.

They have struggled in life facing and owning their negative actions and often hide behind masks they create to hide the reality of what they've done and continue to do. 

To the world at large, these providers of grief may appear to function normally, possibly even exceeding in areas, but in reality they are deeply troubled individuals who need to face the real problems in their lives, not those they "identify" or replace what should be faced, what should be resolved.

The definition of grief that includes "trouble" and "annoyance" I would expand and add "a force that weaves into and around the life experience causing unforseen and unanticipated disruption and potentially unreclaimable losses."

INTERESTING COMPARISON:  I've been writing about the need to redefine or rexamine DEMENTIA and recognize it's not the depth of the disease, it's the impact the disease causes in all its stages.

THIS IS GRIEF'S DEFINITION AS WELL.

To believe Grief starts with death and over time subsides or goes away is as false, misleading and deceptive as believing the only kind of Dementia is Alzheimers. 

As for me, I've chosen not to accept Grief as others define the process. 

Has Grief affected me? Absolutely. 

Does Grief rule my life and control me? Definitely Not!

It's understanding where you are, where you need to be that becomes important to allowing for grief but not succumbing to it or building the forcefulness of its impact on you.

I've lived believing each day I face choices, make decisions and continue the path with those whom I love and loved, walking together even though we're apart.

Many days, many years that have followed have not been pleasant, enjoyable, welcome; many have been devastating, challenging. 

We, you and I, decide each day how we will move through that time, when we have moved forward and to what point without someone with whom we shared and may still have or may choose to place in a different perspective, a life bond.

Grief is personal. 

Grief is not the feelings of a friend, acquaintance or family member. Grief can be shared but grief is unique to all it affects.

We, you and I, can find a small speck of joy or simple positive thinking in the deepest of life's challenges.

Grief, in any form, is natural. 

You have the personal right to adjust, to find relief.

You're allowed to change your focus to a positive life movement. Society no longer dictates a specific time or dress for mourning. 

Grief. Mourning. Adjusting. Living. 

It's true life is never the same .

It's true life would never be the same any way.