Emergency Room Nightmare Leading to Death

TRUST. it's the basis of our Medical System in the U.S.

Over our lifetimes, from birth to death, we encounter a "system" of "care giving" -- it's not just limited to the aging.

We entrust our health and well being to people who supposedly take an oath to "do no harm" and who, we are told and taught, are knowledgeable to provide a level of caregiving, in person or indirectly, as specialized, certified, trained, educated medical knowledge practitioners.

Supervision isn't always available. Experience levels can vary.

We depend on and entrust these individuals and systems with our lives.

Through "Social Media", including non associated rating systems, we research choices made from where we go to eat to where we entrust our medical health.

We trust the credentials achieved reflect specific insights and responsibilities. 

We trust associations with "well known" Hospitals as a reflection of their capability. 

Truth is, mistakes are a part of the medical system and it's in their financial system when a report is falsified or writin to "cover up" errors ommissions and substitutions as we experienced.

While in the ER, a female attended my husband. She didn't introduce herself.  She was NOT a Doctor; a blue, not white as is traditional and no name to identify, no stethoscope which I've always seen around Dr's neck, they're a personal item not shared.

There was no one else who entered the room.

These are important facts when I discuss having read through hundreds, if not thousands of pages generated from this point through my husband's stay because actions taken led to his eventual death.

What do you do when you discover a "cover up" in a medical facility -- when you've been and still are struggling day to day to care for a loved one with multiple medical challenges and another family member aging into their ninth decade of life -- both needing assistance, care taking and advancing with unknown medical problems complicating their lives and yours.

How many hospital personnel knew the truth? The "male" who wrote the report was most probably the "person" who was called to advise, determine action(s) to be taken and should have realized an ability "NOT to see" what was being described COULD cause more harm than good. 

We witnessed the "lancing" by a woman in the ER who was directed to do so by someone on the phone. Why didn't SHE write about the procedure? 

Who was she? No idea. Not a Doctor as one would not have had to "consult" to do a simple procedure like she was told -- lance a quarter sized "pus filled" abdominal area. 

She covered up her "cut" with a large "patch". 

My husband was admitted. 

I was told to go home and get some sleep. 

Dutifully, believing my husband was in "the best hands", I left.

When I was called to come the next day, there were three doctors, including one we'd know for many years, a friend, a neighbor, standing around my husband. 

They wanted permission to open him up. They thought there was something causing the "hole" -- we gave permission not knowing that decision would start our last journey together.

Days turned into weeks that turned into months mostly inside Critical Intensive Care. A total of 100 days.

Day after day, week after week, all we were told was my husband needed to "gain weight". 

Reality is even in 2010 short staffing was a part of the system.

Have you ever tried to fill a bottle when there's a hole in it?

My husband at first had a small opening his front abdomen. 

ONE BAG . . . TWO . . . then more skin broke open and THREE  were needed .... trying to secure plastic bags onto skin that's breaking apart . . .four bags needing constant change, emptying, reattaching, replacing . . . 

I was not able to work . . . trying to keep daughter in college -- her taking out loans (some of which she still has to repay (in 2023) and the INTEREST RATE KEPT RISING . . . 

...we two joined together, walking into the future, had arrived. . . it wasn't what we wanted, planned or expected.

Coping with also trying to provide a life for my Mom and running into brick walls of costs, time, assistance and those who told me she should just be sent to LTC.

Grateful for what we had been able to do . . .

We'd assisted our two sons in providing money so they could complete college but the reality was the first ten years of this century were financially unstable and challenging for many.

We'd used savings to help them and they were actually finished with schooling and well into their careers when their father became so sick -- but what they didn't realize is he was probably having health issues for many years as his type of "medical condition" was one that grew more challenging with every passing year.

Neighbors, friends, members of groups and organizations we belonged to -- 

THEY were all around us but seldom actually with us . . . as we struggled to understand, to cope, to provide as always, for our family, our loved ones.  

THEY  didn't offer to help, provide or in any way come alongside

 IT'S HARDEST WHEN IT'S ONE OF YOUR GROWN KIDS ...

The year was 2010, late Summer; my husband came out of Rehab the end of January after 100 days, almost all of it in Intensive Care, going through crisis after crisis . . . 

NEVER KNOWING WHAT WAS HAPPENING, WHY AND WHERE WE WERE HEADED ...and it had been many months trying to cope, to believe there was a "better tomorrow" --

THEY kept telling me -- THE BAGS WERE TEMPORARY -- HE JUST NEEDS TIME TO HEAL -- 

as more time passed and no "closure" was effected, we adapted by continuing to believe. . . 

 "tomorrow" or "next week" and then "next month" will be the turnaround, the beginning of a better time.....

When someone you deeply love is struggling and fighting to survive, you share in their pain and suffering.

We'd had very high AC bills trying to keep at least the temperature comfortable -- we knew Winter would come soon

I'd walk outside, around the house and see more "boards" of the housing material, on there since we built the home many years before, cracking and pieces dropping off.  

The "painted cedar siding" was gorgeous when we built the house. We didn't realize the high cost of maintaining. Some things you have to live and learn.

Walking outside one day, to try to assess what needed to be done, I found several "boards" with pieces removed and later would find "little creatures" had made their homes above our heads and in the sides our home.

I finally got up the courage to ask our oldest son, who'd "invested" in a couple of Rental Properties and had a very good job in Tech, if he could help us get financing to replace the siding.

HIS ANSWER:  Why didn't you do that before this happened? 

He always thought we had "lots of money" when in fact we were often stretching what we had. 

This son always felt "entitled' -- a "second hand car" wasn't what he "expected", it was to take him and his brother to school and activities but he never seemed to "be able"

Granted, it was half way across the country from where he lived but his Dad had several "episodes" during his hospital stay and oldest son just seemed to write them off.

Reality was not what he wanted to hear -- he'd benefited from our using the money we had for his education (and in fairness for his brother and his sister) but . . . HIS MONEY. . . well, that was not going to happen ... and didn't.

YOU SEE:  "WE" and really, "I/me" did everything wrong and always had. 

Not exactly what you'd expect in a time of extreme need.

HAD HE BEEN TO VISIT HIS FATHER?  

NOT SINCE HIS FATHER HAD SPENT 100 CONSECUTIVE DAYS IN THE HOSPITAL, almost all in Critical Intensive Care ... and 40+ days in Rehab.

We always moved heaven and earth to accommodate his wants, needs, dreams  . . . but this wasn't "for" HIM . 

No medical needs in his immediate family we knew of and all I'd asked for was co-signing for his father and use his properties for security -- Winter was coming and it was predicted to be very challenging.

Seeing this "strong, independent, man, at an age when you usually look forward to retirement, struggle just to maintain dignity. . . 

Having your "son", who you'd sacrificed and given to and who had demonstrated previously he really was only "out for himself"  turn his back on his father, his family . . . 

These are the "life pictures" we never expect when we're getting those "great funny shots" at Weddings and Anniversaries, Birthdays and Graduations.

We'd had financial challenges -- as did many -- with the socio economic severe dives -- we didn't lose our home but we weren't able to make repairs and replace siding, windows and other "critical life supports of a house". 

It was 2009, a year of financial challenges throughout the economic system.

Looking back, people thought they had at least a "silver" if not a "golden" parachute for severe medical conditions . . .

Some still believe that's the case today -- it isn't.

We had "the house" and didn't qualify for Medicaid or any other "benefits" yet the bills kept coming, the amounts kept climbing and I saw my husband . . . slipping away painfully

I was desparate. . . we had our car, with a few payments remaining . . . but there were no "medical loans" using a car with some payments remaining as security.

Memories of a telephone conversation with oldest son, one of only a few. . . Listening to his tirades had become too much for his father laying in a hospital bed in our home while I provided 24/7 caregiving.  

"I" had never done anything right as far as "oldest son" was concerned and now "I" was "asking for help"? 

His voice said it all and so did his words. "We" were the problem he'd always had in "his" life -- and I was the target, THE PROBLEM. 

So righteous. So "entitled'. So self-centered.                                                         In reality, he had not changed. 

People say parents "create" this type of person. I believe they create themselves. 

Entitled? On the surface, perhaps, but each of our "children" were given the same and each were seen as being able to use those "opportunities and possibilities" as they were modeled -- for others and not just for themselves.

If you have grown children and if you don't have at least one who sees "you" as the problem, not his/her decisions, actions, chosen way of living . . . you have achieved an amazing "parental feat".

I understand the warnings and the revelations are many most do not want to confront or face. 

It leads to life challenges and even confrontations with people, ideas, practices and procedures.                                                                            

Simply "not hearing" and "not listening" is far easier.

Facing the problems, challenges, concerns takes time and "time" is the one remaining valuable personal asset we often retain when others have been removed.

Years have passed. One after another. It's a Milestone.

It often felt like running in place, often falling backward and sometimes a beam of light would cut through the severe darkness lightening our load and cutting an opening on the path.

It's a Marker. It's a Dividing Line. It's a Journey.

In late 2013, the time just months before Mom passed and about two years after my husband had passed, daughter and I were continuing to struggle and fight for survival. 

Suddenly, or so It seems, a dozen years have moved our lives into the future and out of "that past". 

Each day, from the beginning of this Journey we did not plan, went on without a map or guidebook, no itinerary or idea where, when, how and why ...

We had no compass, no clock and few people along the way with the ability or interest to guide or extend a helping hand.

You live in a nice home, you should have more than enough and after all, you'll get married again and your daughter will move on with her life . . . . said about me right after my husband's death in January, 2011.

Never really said directly to my face but my daughter heard the "talk of the town".

People can be so self centered . . .  Or is it a form of self survival, believing all will be well, if just ...when ... if only?

OK. . . TAKE A BREATH . . . RELAX . . . .LET IT GO. . .  

You and your daughter are survivors. You and your daughter aren't dependent on others. It's the 21st Century. Neither of you need "someone" to hold you up, to help you out, to "provide" -- 

WE MADE IT THIS FAR. 

WE ARE GOING TO CONTINUE. 

MORE IMPORTANTLY                                                                                                                             We understand it's the time that follows, how you think and act, what decisions you make each time you're confronted with a life question or challenge, that move your life along the path of days, weeks, months and, yes, years in positive directions even during the most negative of times.

IT IS NOT EASY . . . 

IT IS OFTEN SO CHALLENGING. . . YOU WANT TO GIVE UP

You...Know...You. . . Like No One Else Knows You

There comes a time when you need to set aside the "free advice" and the "family members and friends who know best". 

Nod your head..... A small smile can help.             

Thank them, then run as fast as you can to seek and find 

the people, the places, the ways and means . . . . . 

YOU need, YOU want, YOU deserve

Live Your Life -- Not Someone Else's -- Not "Theirs"

KEEP LOOKING AHEAD WHILE GLANCING BACKWARD.

YOU'VE MADE IT PAST THE FUTURE YOU DIDN'T SEE --

Into a World that provides challenges, opportunities & above all

 YOU HAVE CREATED A LIFTIME OF MEMORIES.